Ready, set, hold on- and then let go.

To Jer,
" I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you.so close that your hand on my chest is my hand so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"- Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda.
I love all of you, Shell

17 years ago, I found him- and I called him my angel.

At that time not even knowing that angels even existed, I just knew- he made me feel safe.

I had been in and out of relationships (looking for some kind of a man to show me my specialness)

And he came along, gentle and quiet...asking me if I needed help checking my oil (as I was struggling opening the hood to my car in a down town hang out teenage space)

He was safe.  With his arms wrapped around me I felt like I was being hugged by a giant sturdy teddy bear.

15 months later, it was our wedding day- a beautiful September day, with the sun shining and the wind blowing the perfect gentle breeze.  Five minutes before I walked up the aisle, I took my dearest bridesmaid into the bathroom- and franticly told her. I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him.  I blamed it on some excuse that there were too  many people.
But, the truth was- I was scared to death.  I was scared to surrender to a man that I knew was safe, because all my life I was used to going my life alone.  Looking for some unconditional love on the outside and never finding it- made a big pattern in me of no one is strong enough to love truly me.

Well, that dear bridesmaid, told me the best God given words at that moment as the song was playing Day by Day, a beautiful hymn in the background.  She quietly stated, "you have to, he loves you."

And, so I did.

We went on to have 3 beautiful kids.  Fun, silly, moments of memorable vacations, togetherness.  A few perfect little homes all in a small rural community in Michigan. 

And, hard times.  Family issues in extended families, death of loved ones, health issues with both of us, unemployment,  and the list back then could go on..,,,

I always said, during those times, he was my rock.  He was the one who always brought life back to the moment. His favorite saying (that would piss me right off) was "it is, what it is, Shell"

As, I would spend hours, days, (lets be honest years)...sorting out, my darkness of my past, he would just be there waiting, patiently- like an oldie but goodie sturdy, comfy, lazyboy chair-awaiting the arrival of the hard worker after a long day of work.

Then, recently its been my anxiety of my future.  I knew what I didn't want in my life, but how could I get what I want?  I knew that I might want to make big life changes.  I knew that I wanted to learn how to "fly", and like the feeling on my wedding day- I thought I had to fly alone.

So the past few months I have taken a trip to Montana, climbed a big badland- and found a  sturdy rock, that reminded me of him, my husband- Jer.

Then I went to Guatemala, and found more of me.  More of the peaceful, joyful, content self that I have been missing for oh so long.

And, when I came home, he was waiting just like the teddy bear, the chair, the rock-the Jer.

I became more visible, I shared with him all my  fears, dreams, past, future.  And, then my mind went crazy busy.  I thought every thought, I went over every possible outcome, and every past event.  The hamster on the wheel in my head, didn't stop.  It was on overdrive.  I grew truly fearful, I was so scared to be rejected and judged by him. I did not know if he could love this darkest shadow part of me.

Because, the truth was- I realized I didn't know if I could love this part of me either.

And, then he showed me.  He showed me (by just being there and loving me raw and honest) he was tough enough, and gentle enough-to love all of me.

Days later after an amazing energy clearing session with a friend (I love you Nat) and opening up the book that's been calling my name for oh so long (The Power of Now-Echardt Tole)

I surrendered, to unconditional love in the Now.

And, I found me at this moment, and truly him- my earth angel.

Day by Day, moment by moment, it is what it is. LOVE.

Ready, set, hold on, and then let go- LOVE.



Till next time,

xxoo readers, friends...may you feel loved from the inside out!

Michelle (the girl who is learning to run with dresses on)

                                          Ready, set, hold on- and then let go
                                      Photo taken by: Leanna Michelle Massie





 

Me, raw, gritty, and honest.

I now see the importance of being raw, gritty, and honest.

You see, I was the one all my life that made sure I looked good from the outside.  Other than some extra pounds hanging out in the belly area to I would always look like I had it all together.  My girlfriends would laugh, because even my undergarments used to have to color coordinate, when I dressed.  My ponytail had to be the same color of my outfit, and my hair had to be just so (which usually included a bottle of hairspray and some matching bobby pins).  I would spend hours looking in the mirror, getting ready for the outing with friends, church, school, or even a cruise through town with friends.

Well, the truth is, it wasn't until this week in Guatemala (where I went for a spiritual retreat) that as I looked into my eyes, that I saw....me. 

Let me explain, I had this roommate that was a great teacher.  Her name was Cindy, and we were both there in Antigua, looking to help find ourselves. And, one night while I was doing my "homework" she questioned me, to spend time in the mirror looking into my eyes.  I thought, she was goofy.  I knew I had baby blue eyes, that sometimes were dark and sometimes had a  shine to them. 

But, when the time came I reluctantly looked, and this my friends, is what I saw.


Me, raw with myself, gritty and honest.

Me, realizing I am more than my body, more than my matching outfit- I am  a soul here, and my physical is just my safety and my covering.

Me, who is an obnoxious silly child at times.  A few weeks my hubby, boys and I went to shoot rifles in the grasslands, and I screeched, and laughed, and a little peed my pants with the joy, the power, I felt shooting that 22. ( FYI- stay tuned to see if it ends up on Americas funniest home videos)

Me the lover, who loves to love and nourish all.  Black, white, blue, small, dying, I love all people, actually all things!  From the pesky prairie dog in the grasslands, to the beautiful Mexican baby-my heart is full of golden light for all living, here on this earthly earth. 

Me with a shield, or a sword- depending on the day. Not a real one, just a weapon that comes out and covers my heart, when someone gets to close. I have a hard time, letting people truly love me.  (ask my husband).  The warrior in me, thinks I need to go through life alone, with my armor on.  And, the people who love me and see me naked the most, are the ones who my head spends hours trying to pretend that I don't deserve them.  I  now own this.  I am just learning to leave my swords, shields, and guns at home-stored away, and my heart open.

Me, who gets what she want.  Some might call this spoiled or self righteous.  I call this powerful.  From the bargaining at the rummage sale, to the best parking spot at our apartment building, I ask- and I receive.  I also get the extra pounds when I don't nourish my body, and the slow cashier at the local grocery store, when I don't have patience.  The secret is, we are all powerful- and we all get what we want.

So, its time- to show my eyes, my soul.  Its time, to throw the matching underwear aside, and  possibly even go, commando.  Its time, to take all the love I can give to all things, and make sure I am filling myself up first.  Its time for me to know my body is safe, and to own every last beautiful stretchmark.  Its time for me to be the joyful kid more, its time to sing and own the song "I'm so happy".  Its time for me to let the ones unconditionally love me, love me-with no weapons attached.  Its time for me to have peace with me, to own my truth, and all my decisions.

Most important its time for me to love me first, all of me. But, most important the shiny blue soul eyes staring back at me in the mirror. For, this is truly who I am.


Till next time friends, I love all of you.  And. look, love and own the beautiful soul that shines back at you in the mirror!



xxoo
Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Me loving up a little sweetheart baby in Guatemala...

Owning all of me..

 I'm working on owning, loving- all of me.

All of me is the one year old, lover of her moms arms, bright blue eyes, sweet inner child baby me.

All of me is 3 year old, round belly, baby of the family, me. Scrubbing floors, and dusting end tables, helper me.

All of me, is shy speech impaired, nervous to be alone, scared of the dark, and even more scared of school, 6 year old me.

All of me, is people pleasing, lover of gymnastics, and running in gym class 9 year old, talking to God near the water and cryin when the scale hit 90 lbs me.

All of me, is 13 year old, saying goodbye to the purple glasses and welcoming contacts, Fixin the buck teeth-and  turning into a woman, up and down teeter totter emotions me.

All of me, is obnoxious, singing off tune with no radio to the wind, with my gutless cutless car feelin free- 16 year old me.

All of me, is feeling alone, not wanting to be alone, scared of my future, just wanting to fit in-17 year old, using a can of hairspray a day, me.

All of me is wife, and mother of 3 little ones, and flight or fight never stop running, trying to pretend to be the perfect mom, early 20's me.

All of me is sick, not able to hear what my body is saying- kidney infections, gallbladder removal, total hysterectomy, don't want to feel mid 20s, and despising my body, me.

All of me, is nursing student, chosing plan b at life- warrior, no sleep, pushing myself, lucky pencils, and test anxiety late 20s me

All of me, is turning 30-and saying goodbye to all that wasn't for me- terrified to leave all that never was. Grief, reconciling my past, and trying to see a light, and attempting to embrace my feminine stretch mark filled body, me.

All of me, is early 30's collapsing patterns, and starting to trust my voice, speaking and needing honest, yoga pants wearer, practicing surrender, daily me.

All of me, today, singing making supper for teenagers, saying hi to strangers at Walmart, mind wandering,  working daily on saying goodbye to fear, shadow side embracing, learning to use only my voice, dreaming big, princess life, new beginnings, me.

Those years, those moments, this soul, this life, is for...all of me.

Till next time friends, love, own, and honor-all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

My bright blue eyed, inner child-one year old, me.

The Winner is:

Maddie Huhta

Congratulations! The next time I'm in the Yoop or your in North Dakota, we will hook up! 

Thanks for all the love and support sent, with bridging the gap- I felt it!

I leave you with a new favorite quote and a new favorite spot. Got to spend the weekend with a new buddy in Colorado Springs. It, was Magnificant! Here's to many new adventures to all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Bridging the Gap.

Alright friends, I'm doing it- I'm bridging the gap! Let me explain..

I love to write with my heart open on my blog, and it warms me up to hear from all of you, your thoughts, comments, love! And, one of my favorite things in all the world is to meet new people!

Also, I miss Healing Touch energy work. The nurse in me loves, and believes in this kind of healing! My favorite part of healing touch was mind clearing. This is a technique that helps balance the meridians in your head, face, neck, and promotes relaxation and relieving stress. 

(I truly think- mind clearing gets me to quiet the brain so I can write!)

Anyways, so here's the bridging the gap part! 

Whoever comments here on my blog, or likes and shares my facebook page-(Helping Hand)

Will receive a 30 minute free mind clearing session! 

-if the winner lives in a different state as I, then we will do it, when the times right! (I also love to travel) 

-offer never expires!

-will pick winner on Valentine's Day, and publish it on this blog and my helping hand page!

Thanks friends in advance! Wishing u all lots of love this Valentines Day!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on

I CHOOSE~

I choose to believe that there is, heaven here on this earth.

I choose  to believe that my words that are written, are words of love.

I choose to believe that my heart has enough expansion, for me, and every creature life puts in my way.

I choose to believe that my body is my canvas. To paint it, with the most gentle, delicate colors.

I choose to believe in owning my story. I believe my greatest trauma, is also my biggest blessing.

I choose to believe that my fear is the darkness, that blocks my enlightened way. My light is ready to shine.

I choose to believe that I deserve, to have an abundance of blissful moments here on earth.

I choose to believe, that survival is a choice, and I chose to thrive.

I choose to believe that I am enough. I am all that I need.

I choose to believe that my dreams can come true, no matter how

minuit or vast.

I choose to believe in boundaries, by trusting my heart.

I choose to believe in angels, bringing light to my path.

I choose  to believe in a grateful heart. Giving thanks, for all lives treasures.

I choose to believe in forgiveness. Forgiving all parts of my dense shadow, to let go-and stand, lighter.

I choose to believe that I can live life consciously, orientated to the present time.

I choose to believe in peace, peace that is found first in myself, and then in the now, in the simple moments.

I choose to believe in love, vulnerable, unconditional, love.

I choose to believe, I am a soft, powerful, feminine-that can happily run with dresses on.

I choose to believe, these choices is how I create, my own heaven here on earth.

My chubby water filled monkey cheeks.

I had a tooth ache the last couple days. Actually more like a MOUTH ache.  Gums, teeth, mouth, the whole sha bang.

 And, I was miserable.  I spent 60 bucks at the local health food store buying thieves mouthwash, clove oil, natural toothpaste.  After I gave up on the  all natural method, I was sucking on Tylenol like they were candy, and washing them down liquid Benadryl on the gums.  I also, did the whole sip water, leave it in your mouth (to make your cheeks look like a monkey) until you gotta swallow to breathe.  (with this I took about 60 trips to the bathroom) Being a healing touch student, I did a little healing touch on my mouth, I tried yoga moves, hand stands, focal point concentration, cleansing breaths, and when all those failed....

I had a feet kickin, mouth crying,  good ol 33 year old temper tantrum.

And, when it was all said and done, I layed in bed, fetal position, lookin like a chubby monkey, with the water filling my cheeks, using the TV with a little Doctor Phil as my focal point. I lay there half watching the powerful balding shrink, and thinking- what was my mouth trying to tell me?

You see, when the mouth ache started, I called upon a dear soul friend for some assistance. (You know the whole phone a friend, who wants to be  a millonare, method?!) Well I picked, the  one who is a dental hygienist along with a intuitive kinesthesiologist. And, I asked her all the questions- what could be wrong with my mouth?  After she asked if I had been grinding my teeth, or if I have been outside with a big temperature change.  After I decided neither of these pertained, I asked, what does it mean, metaphorically when your mouth feels like its filled with acute arthritis?  She answered, whats irritating you, that's close to you, and you don't want to talk about it?

BINGO.

As the show-went to a commercial, it hit me.

How can  I let go, of things that irritate me, when all I want to do is love?  I don't want to fight, darn it- I like peace. And, I cant even talk- my mouth needs to have water in it at all times, otherwise I risk another temper tantrum.

So, I started writing, letters.  Letters, to ones that I felt called to. And, the words flowed.  I wrote, and let go, and then burnt the letter. Then I would write another one, and follow the steps. And another. Honestly, I cant even remember what the letters said, I just know that I felt like I was taking care of much needed (but not known about) business.  And, at the end of each note, always wishing me and themselves well, by sending love, and don't forget- peace.

When it was all said and done, I layed there on my big comfy bed and felt, lighter.  And, I relaxed enough to finally drift of  to sleep.  When I awoke an  hour later, and jumped quickly into the bathroom to urinate (chubby monkey water cheeks remember) I realized, my mouth barely hurt. A couple hours later, I finally could say my mouth pain was pretty much gone!

I know, this sounds crazy.  I am a registered nurse, spending years reading Anatomy books.

But, let me explain.

I'm a firm believer that your beautiful God given body, is your messenger. Listen, to it.  Are you getting a cold?  U need to slow down and rest. Your back hurts? Are you feeling supported?  These are questions I ask myself everytime, I have an ailment.

Don't get me wrong, tomorrow I am going to the much needed dentist.  These pearly whites are in need of a good ol cleaning.  And, I do believe that there is a time and place for all the medical community.  But, for me- I feel, its important to look at what your body is telling you to heal.

And, it was another reminder to me, that your body is for you, not against you.

So tonight, tonight, I sit and write this, and thank my body. For the sign.  For the healing. For showing me, another way to heal my God given physical structure.

Till next time friends, love, honor, and listen to your body! And, try to stay away from those darn temper tantrums.

Xxoo, Michelle

The girl who is learning to run with dresses on