Owning all of me..

 I'm working on owning, loving- all of me.

All of me is the one year old, lover of her moms arms, bright blue eyes, sweet inner child baby me.

All of me is 3 year old, round belly, baby of the family, me. Scrubbing floors, and dusting end tables, helper me.

All of me, is shy speech impaired, nervous to be alone, scared of the dark, and even more scared of school, 6 year old me.

All of me, is people pleasing, lover of gymnastics, and running in gym class 9 year old, talking to God near the water and cryin when the scale hit 90 lbs me.

All of me, is 13 year old, saying goodbye to the purple glasses and welcoming contacts, Fixin the buck teeth-and  turning into a woman, up and down teeter totter emotions me.

All of me, is obnoxious, singing off tune with no radio to the wind, with my gutless cutless car feelin free- 16 year old me.

All of me, is feeling alone, not wanting to be alone, scared of my future, just wanting to fit in-17 year old, using a can of hairspray a day, me.

All of me is wife, and mother of 3 little ones, and flight or fight never stop running, trying to pretend to be the perfect mom, early 20's me.

All of me is sick, not able to hear what my body is saying- kidney infections, gallbladder removal, total hysterectomy, don't want to feel mid 20s, and despising my body, me.

All of me, is nursing student, chosing plan b at life- warrior, no sleep, pushing myself, lucky pencils, and test anxiety late 20s me

All of me, is turning 30-and saying goodbye to all that wasn't for me- terrified to leave all that never was. Grief, reconciling my past, and trying to see a light, and attempting to embrace my feminine stretch mark filled body, me.

All of me, is early 30's collapsing patterns, and starting to trust my voice, speaking and needing honest, yoga pants wearer, practicing surrender, daily me.

All of me, today, singing making supper for teenagers, saying hi to strangers at Walmart, mind wandering,  working daily on saying goodbye to fear, shadow side embracing, learning to use only my voice, dreaming big, princess life, new beginnings, me.

Those years, those moments, this soul, this life, is for...all of me.

Till next time friends, love, own, and honor-all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

My bright blue eyed, inner child-one year old, me.

The Winner is:

Maddie Huhta

Congratulations! The next time I'm in the Yoop or your in North Dakota, we will hook up! 

Thanks for all the love and support sent, with bridging the gap- I felt it!

I leave you with a new favorite quote and a new favorite spot. Got to spend the weekend with a new buddy in Colorado Springs. It, was Magnificant! Here's to many new adventures to all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Bridging the Gap.

Alright friends, I'm doing it- I'm bridging the gap! Let me explain..

I love to write with my heart open on my blog, and it warms me up to hear from all of you, your thoughts, comments, love! And, one of my favorite things in all the world is to meet new people!

Also, I miss Healing Touch energy work. The nurse in me loves, and believes in this kind of healing! My favorite part of healing touch was mind clearing. This is a technique that helps balance the meridians in your head, face, neck, and promotes relaxation and relieving stress. 

(I truly think- mind clearing gets me to quiet the brain so I can write!)

Anyways, so here's the bridging the gap part! 

Whoever comments here on my blog, or likes and shares my facebook page-(Helping Hand)

Will receive a 30 minute free mind clearing session! 

-if the winner lives in a different state as I, then we will do it, when the times right! (I also love to travel) 

-offer never expires!

-will pick winner on Valentine's Day, and publish it on this blog and my helping hand page!

Thanks friends in advance! Wishing u all lots of love this Valentines Day!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on

I CHOOSE~

I choose to believe that there is, heaven here on this earth.

I choose  to believe that my words that are written, are words of love.

I choose to believe that my heart has enough expansion, for me, and every creature life puts in my way.

I choose to believe that my body is my canvas. To paint it, with the most gentle, delicate colors.

I choose to believe in owning my story. I believe my greatest trauma, is also my biggest blessing.

I choose to believe that my fear is the darkness, that blocks my enlightened way. My light is ready to shine.

I choose to believe that I deserve, to have an abundance of blissful moments here on earth.

I choose to believe, that survival is a choice, and I chose to thrive.

I choose to believe that I am enough. I am all that I need.

I choose to believe that my dreams can come true, no matter how

minuit or vast.

I choose to believe in boundaries, by trusting my heart.

I choose to believe in angels, bringing light to my path.

I choose  to believe in a grateful heart. Giving thanks, for all lives treasures.

I choose to believe in forgiveness. Forgiving all parts of my dense shadow, to let go-and stand, lighter.

I choose to believe that I can live life consciously, orientated to the present time.

I choose to believe in peace, peace that is found first in myself, and then in the now, in the simple moments.

I choose to believe in love, vulnerable, unconditional, love.

I choose to believe, I am a soft, powerful, feminine-that can happily run with dresses on.

I choose to believe, these choices is how I create, my own heaven here on earth.

My chubby water filled monkey cheeks.

I had a tooth ache the last couple days. Actually more like a MOUTH ache.  Gums, teeth, mouth, the whole sha bang.

 And, I was miserable.  I spent 60 bucks at the local health food store buying thieves mouthwash, clove oil, natural toothpaste.  After I gave up on the  all natural method, I was sucking on Tylenol like they were candy, and washing them down liquid Benadryl on the gums.  I also, did the whole sip water, leave it in your mouth (to make your cheeks look like a monkey) until you gotta swallow to breathe.  (with this I took about 60 trips to the bathroom) Being a healing touch student, I did a little healing touch on my mouth, I tried yoga moves, hand stands, focal point concentration, cleansing breaths, and when all those failed....

I had a feet kickin, mouth crying,  good ol 33 year old temper tantrum.

And, when it was all said and done, I layed in bed, fetal position, lookin like a chubby monkey, with the water filling my cheeks, using the TV with a little Doctor Phil as my focal point. I lay there half watching the powerful balding shrink, and thinking- what was my mouth trying to tell me?

You see, when the mouth ache started, I called upon a dear soul friend for some assistance. (You know the whole phone a friend, who wants to be  a millonare, method?!) Well I picked, the  one who is a dental hygienist along with a intuitive kinesthesiologist. And, I asked her all the questions- what could be wrong with my mouth?  After she asked if I had been grinding my teeth, or if I have been outside with a big temperature change.  After I decided neither of these pertained, I asked, what does it mean, metaphorically when your mouth feels like its filled with acute arthritis?  She answered, whats irritating you, that's close to you, and you don't want to talk about it?

BINGO.

As the show-went to a commercial, it hit me.

How can  I let go, of things that irritate me, when all I want to do is love?  I don't want to fight, darn it- I like peace. And, I cant even talk- my mouth needs to have water in it at all times, otherwise I risk another temper tantrum.

So, I started writing, letters.  Letters, to ones that I felt called to. And, the words flowed.  I wrote, and let go, and then burnt the letter. Then I would write another one, and follow the steps. And another. Honestly, I cant even remember what the letters said, I just know that I felt like I was taking care of much needed (but not known about) business.  And, at the end of each note, always wishing me and themselves well, by sending love, and don't forget- peace.

When it was all said and done, I layed there on my big comfy bed and felt, lighter.  And, I relaxed enough to finally drift of  to sleep.  When I awoke an  hour later, and jumped quickly into the bathroom to urinate (chubby monkey water cheeks remember) I realized, my mouth barely hurt. A couple hours later, I finally could say my mouth pain was pretty much gone!

I know, this sounds crazy.  I am a registered nurse, spending years reading Anatomy books.

But, let me explain.

I'm a firm believer that your beautiful God given body, is your messenger. Listen, to it.  Are you getting a cold?  U need to slow down and rest. Your back hurts? Are you feeling supported?  These are questions I ask myself everytime, I have an ailment.

Don't get me wrong, tomorrow I am going to the much needed dentist.  These pearly whites are in need of a good ol cleaning.  And, I do believe that there is a time and place for all the medical community.  But, for me- I feel, its important to look at what your body is telling you to heal.

And, it was another reminder to me, that your body is for you, not against you.

So tonight, tonight, I sit and write this, and thank my body. For the sign.  For the healing. For showing me, another way to heal my God given physical structure.

Till next time friends, love, honor, and listen to your body! And, try to stay away from those darn temper tantrums.

Xxoo, Michelle

The girl who is learning to run with dresses on 

Blissfully Blessed.

Sunday fun day was a scheduled family day, here for us.

It's been awhile since we had one of these days- so we made a point to dedicate Sunday just for us, 5 Massies.

First, we shut off the alarm clocks and slept in.

Then we lazily sipped on coffee and worked as a team building  this big ol egg scramble thing.

And as we sat down to eat, the teenage boys got into a little tiff. Today, I can't even remember what it was about, but needless to say- it was bit loud, and a little ugly.  (Living in an apartment on the 3rd floor in North Dakota, definitely has been interesting living arrangements for the hubs, 3 teen kids, and I.)

 After a long walk for the one teen, and a little family meeting, our family day was a little delayed, but adventure was awaiting.

Before we left the dad in this house, told the kids that trip day, was going to be without electronic gadgets, homework, and books. Just us 5, the vehicle, and the road we were about to travel. 

Oh boy.

So, we jumped into Arnie (our vehicles name) and off we headed to the local gas station and daily perks coffee shop for some drinks along the way. 

Thirty minutes west down the interstate is Medora. A touristee town in the badlands. Also, in this town is the Theodore Roosevelt National Park, known for its beautiful views and wild animals- partically Buffalo.

And, that my friends was our adventure for the day.

So, we cruised along the desserted park, counting the mule deer, and laughing at the prarie dogs. After a couple hours, a few wild horses, and one lonely bison, the sun was starting to set there on the badlands. 

And, I had a moment.

I sat back and watched the hubs and our dolly (Leanna,11) take pictures with her new camera, and the boys pretending to shoot the prarie dogs (yes my boys are pro hunting carnivore eating men). 

I sat back, and smiled as big as the sunset sky that was filled with every kind of color. (You know the kind of smile where your mouth hurts from shining?!) At that moment, my heart sang, one of those sweet soft songs that now plays on the local radio. Joy filled me up. I felt it from the bottom of my toes, to the top of my crown. 

I am truly blessed.

Blessed, grateful to have these God  given moments.  Blessed to have an arnie, that can take us on these adventures. Blessed, to have the delicious soy latte taste on my palate. Blessed to have this earthly family, to teach me how and what unconditional love is. Blessed, even for North Dakota to have the pesky prarie dogs to snicker about. Blessed for the sun going down, and the moon coming up. Blessed to have this life on earth.

I've felt this blessed, blissful feeling before. And  darnit I'm working on consciously creating and enjoying more- it feels amazing!

But to be honest, in the past, when I feel this joy-I usually am waiting for the next ball to drop.  I've always prepared myself for the fear ridden what ifs, or the it's too good to be true.  I would spend the time, creating in my mind what could go wrong in the future.  

I mean, how could I just be this lucky?

And, well, I don't know what happened, but it finally hit me that day that all we have is today, and it was our family day.  And, instead of fearing the future, it was time.  Time for me to be grateful for what is, now at this moment.

And, well our family is loud.  We argue on Sunday mornings, we might need to take walks to have space, and cool off. But, we are imperfectly, perfect. I know there will be  many more morning squabbles, and whole hearted adventure days- either way,

Yes, I am blissfully blessed!

Till next time friends, wishing you beautiful imperfectly perfect adventure days!

Xxoo Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

        The one and only lonely bison

 

Climb every Mountain.

I climbed a mountain this weekend.

Okay, honestly, I climbed a big fossil holding badland, in Montana at the Makoshika State Park.

 Let me explain.

I knew I needed to go west this past weekend, and I knew I needed it to be alone. So, Saturday morning I grabbed a latte from the local expresso drive thru, and headed west. I had thrown an overnight bag in the back of Arnie (new name for the new car) and wah la, me and the wind were sailing side by side on the interstate.

There was no planning. Friday, I brought the idea up to my family. Saturday, I knew Montana was calling-just didn't know where. I truly felt like it was time to get in touch with the big sky.

You see, it had been a week. I could make excuses of the waning moon, or the weather, or the fact that I was feeling so very alone...with life, with where I was in life, where I dream to be, with being understood, with, k, get the point? I'll stop there.

So, latte in hand, thoughts in my head, I drove.

A few miles down the road, a bird flew up in front of arnies windshield.  It looked like a dalmation dog, but a bird. White, with dark black spots. I laughed to myself about how alike that bird and I are, mostly white and pure-but with some dark sides. Dark places, black holy spots, shadows, fears- anyways, getting off track here,
but overall it gave me courage to see that the bird was still able to fly.

Soon, I had hit the Montana state limit.  It seemed like minutes later I saw the beautiful big badlands, and a sign for a state park- and  felt called, so I decided to pull off the exit.

Glendive Montana is a quant town. It got a whole bunch of bars, a new subway sign, and a bunch of cowboys walking the streets. Typical out west fashion. As I drove, I  followed the signs to the state park in the town.  I pulled in, and it took my breath away, looking at the beautiful bad lands. I hurried out, and headed into the tourist information center, and asked the first ranger who I saw, what were his requests for a good view.

He said up. And, so I went.

Two miles up ahead the road was closed (due to the winter season). and you needed to hike.  My overnight bag consisted of a pair of tennis shoes and a fleece jacket, but thankfully the weather was on my side. Sunny, 40 degrees, perfect. I parked Arnie, and out I started. I can humbly say, I have never really hiked. There were no ski poles or hiking boots. But, there was me, determined to get to the top.

So, I started the hike up.  And, after a few steps, I felt like I was one with the road.  I concentrated on my labor breathing, and my eyes opened up to the beauty all around me. The sound of birds in the distance, the smell of crisp beautiful open air. Ahh, did it feel good, to be alive, and outside. 

A little ways up the road, I came to this beautiful big slate color rock.  As I took my first break, I let go. I cried, not just for me there, I cried for all of  life that have ever felt  broken. And, the rock, well it just hung out there and took it all away. And, as the tears stopped and I was ready to move on, I decided to take a picture.  Forty shots later, I still was getting my shadow (thankyou sun) with the rock. You see, just as I am not a hiker, I am also not a photographer. At the 39th shot, I realized my shadow was supposed to be there, because like the bird flying up in the windshield, that rock-held my dark side.

I got to the top in about an hour. And, it was gorgeous. A few times I had to plunge through snow up to my knees, and a time or two fear came in, reminding me how alone I was in this big park.

But the view from the top, was so worth the wet socks! I felt alive!

Soon, I found a big tree, and gently let my back be supported by it. Once a dear friend told me, if you need to feel grounded, lean against a tree (works every time, FYI)
There I sat, and watched life, go by. Birds, come and go, making there beautiful chirping noises. The badlands, so strong, supportive, and each so different, making me feel so protected. The cactus blowing in the breeze. 

And I thought,

if someone would've told me when I was 33, I would be sitting against a tree, tears in my eyes, overlooking some badlands in some state park by myself in Montana, I would've laughed, out loud. 

But, you see. I soon realized that was why I needed to jump in the car and drive with the wind to Montana in the first place.

I got caught up in the future. I got stuck, fearful-wondering where my life was leading me. I knew my hopes and dreams, I just didn't know how to get there. And, I was stuck, this week, sometimes this month, heck lets be honest, years, thinking in my head how my life was going to turn out.

What path was I taking?

Wait, why does it matter?

And, I realized again, we have this moment, today, this very breath.

Well, that day I decided, I am taking the path that brings me back down the road.

How did I let myself get  to the point of not enjoying the moment? Yes, its liberating to dream big, but to be fearful, of the future, why?  This is my dark side, this is my shadow. And, well its time to embrace all of me. But, dog gon it, the shadow can go hang our with the rock now, or fly with the bird- (see I'm even giving it choices.)

Truly, shadow aside,  its about the now. Surendering to the moment. And, at that moment, I was surrendering to walking down a slippery, wintery, road with tennis shoes, and wet socks.

As I finished the climb, opened the door to arnie and jumped in, I realized.  I am safe wherever I am, I can bring Joy to whatever is in this very moment, and  its time to climb every mountain in life, with or without your dark side. And know matter how long the hike takes its worth it...because the view at the top, is gorgeous.

Till next time friends, keep climbin.


xoxo
Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.