You see, I was the one all my life that made sure I looked good from the outside. Other than some extra pounds hanging out in the belly area to I would always look like I had it all together. My girlfriends would laugh, because even my undergarments used to have to color coordinate, when I dressed. My ponytail had to be the same color of my outfit, and my hair had to be just so (which usually included a bottle of hairspray and some matching bobby pins). I would spend hours looking in the mirror, getting ready for the outing with friends, church, school, or even a cruise through town with friends.
Well, the truth is, it wasn't until this week in Guatemala (where I went for a spiritual retreat) that as I looked into my eyes, that I saw....me.
Let me explain, I had this roommate that was a great teacher. Her name was Cindy, and we were both there in Antigua, looking to help find ourselves. And, one night while I was doing my "homework" she questioned me, to spend time in the mirror looking into my eyes. I thought, she was goofy. I knew I had baby blue eyes, that sometimes were dark and sometimes had a shine to them.
But, when the time came I reluctantly looked, and this my friends, is what I saw.
Me, raw with myself, gritty and honest.
Me, realizing I am more than my body, more than my matching outfit- I am a soul here, and my physical is just my safety and my covering.
Me, who is an obnoxious silly child at times. A few weeks my hubby, boys and I went to shoot rifles in the grasslands, and I screeched, and laughed, and a little peed my pants with the joy, the power, I felt shooting that 22. ( FYI- stay tuned to see if it ends up on Americas funniest home videos)
Me the lover, who loves to love and nourish all. Black, white, blue, small, dying, I love all people, actually all things! From the pesky prairie dog in the grasslands, to the beautiful Mexican baby-my heart is full of golden light for all living, here on this earthly earth.
Me with a shield, or a sword- depending on the day. Not a real one, just a weapon that comes out and covers my heart, when someone gets to close. I have a hard time, letting people truly love me. (ask my husband). The warrior in me, thinks I need to go through life alone, with my armor on. And, the people who love me and see me naked the most, are the ones who my head spends hours trying to pretend that I don't deserve them. I now own this. I am just learning to leave my swords, shields, and guns at home-stored away, and my heart open.
Me, who gets what she want. Some might call this spoiled or self righteous. I call this powerful. From the bargaining at the rummage sale, to the best parking spot at our apartment building, I ask- and I receive. I also get the extra pounds when I don't nourish my body, and the slow cashier at the local grocery store, when I don't have patience. The secret is, we are all powerful- and we all get what we want.
So, its time- to show my eyes, my soul. Its time, to throw the matching underwear aside, and possibly even go, commando. Its time, to take all the love I can give to all things, and make sure I am filling myself up first. Its time for me to know my body is safe, and to own every last beautiful stretchmark. Its time for me to be the joyful kid more, its time to sing and own the song "I'm so happy". Its time for me to let the ones unconditionally love me, love me-with no weapons attached. Its time for me to have peace with me, to own my truth, and all my decisions.
Most important its time for me to love me first, all of me. But, most important the shiny blue soul eyes staring back at me in the mirror. For, this is truly who I am.
Till next time friends, I love all of you. And. look, love and own the beautiful soul that shines back at you in the mirror!
xxoo
Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.
Me loving up a little sweetheart baby in Guatemala...
