CHANGE.

Feeding my own soul. I remember when the name (for my blog) came to me. Then I remember writing about it, (first blog post-if anyone missed out)

What feeds my soul, is change.  Although sometimes it leaves a stain in my underpants it also makes me feel alive. New, fresh, ready, excited.

That being said,(and with all the above emotions) the link to my new blog...

http://feedingmyownsoul.com/

And heres whats going to be- going on.

I am going to write about my food addiction.

Wow, just typing that- leaves a big ol lump in my throat.

Its time to feed my own soul with the truth. Its time for writing about conscious eating, time for speaking about the hard emotions behind the sugar stuff, time for showing pictures of my God given body, that's not far away, or just of my face.

Its time to feed my own soul, and own my Body, Mind, Soul.

As I open this new doorway, I invite you my readers, my friends- to join me in this journey of finding the girl who loves to run with dresses on, and feeds her own soul!

Till next time, on the new site!

XOXO
Michelle

Mind, Body, Spirit- 6 things I learned from 6 days at Triangle Y Camp.

 Garrison, ND. Lake Sakakawia, me (camp nurse), 98 kiddos(ranging from 6-15 years of age) and 40 something counselors, maintenance men, director, lifeguards, wranglers, etc.... The name of this organized chaos is Triangle Y camp. And, it's where I spent my last 6 days. The motto that is behind the triangle of the camp, is mind, body, spirit. So, here's  6 things I learned in the 6 days I spent at camp that filled my mind, body and spirit.

1. God provides. I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen tossing curly fries into bowls to feed the youngsters at lunch. And, there was always just enough. I got to witness kids sharing a big cookie, and a big bowl of tootie fruities, and it filled me up with a love in which I was constantly reminded of God providing.

Me with my sweetie counselor friend Megan in the kitchen...

2. Stop and enjoy the scenery. Stop, and tie your shoe before you trip, stop and take a moment to look out at the window of Gods beauty. Stop, and smell the flower- perhaps put it in your hair as a pretty. Just slow down, and watch the magic of life around you.

View from my health lodge at Triangle Y camp....

3. We all are home sick. No matter what age, we all just want to go home- to feel love. Some elders, might want to be called to there earthly home in everlasting life. Some, child- home might be a farm house, with a squeaky screen door, with mama inside taking warm cookies out of the ol oven. And lastly, for me in my thirties home is a place I am finding deep inside me, where love is waiting in the door way.

A precious gift, a triangle Y paddle, signed by my campers and counselors.

4. We can all walk together. One of the most heart warming moments at camp was watching the campers hold hands and walk together during the last night and the "final walk". We had long legs, short legs, injured legs, but somehow with the love from each other it carried us to the north pasture to watch the sunset and the fire start.  What a reminder of one ever has to walk alone. We just have to remember to grab a hold of a hand that is waiting next to you.

The final walk, to the north pasture.

And the sunset as we were there.

5. All we need is love. As the camp nurse this week, I got to witness many owies, and boo boos. From the rash on the neck , to the stitches on the head, No medicine works best, then a hug. There's no side effects or allergies-when it comes to love. We all are worthy and deserve this loving touch.

Me and my new dear friend Bree- (supervisor of the leaders in training)

6. Saying goodbye is hard. One of the final nights of camp was "chapel". In which we all came together and sang. I stood in the corner of the room and listened to 130 something people sing Amazing Grace, and felt a shift in me. We are all worthy of Gods grace. This moment, this memory, will forever be locked in my heart. And, that moment, along with many more, made the tears flow as I said Goodbye to the week as camp nurse at Triangle Y. Goodbyes are never fun, so I will take all these heart filed moments and carry them with me. And, as I pulled out of the driveway of 

camp knowing that goodbyes are hard, but temporary. Im reminded of the words, see ya later. So Triangle Ycamp, if not sometime later this summer, then possibly next year, and if not then- then when God brings us together- see ya later.

Saying goodbye to the pond and the big lake.

Thankyou Triangle Y, for giving me a week of showing me that God provides, for having me slow down and enjoy lifes scenery, reminding me of where home is, and to reach out my hand and walk there together, that love is the way, and goodbyes are never final.

Mind, body, spirit, Triangle Y.

Xoxo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on (and who spent a 6 days  at camp joyfully running and playing with dresses on)

*On a goodbye note- this is my final post on this blogger blog- stay tuned for a link to the upgrade! See ya later!

Choosing to grow!

Feeding my own soul, finding the girl who ran with dresses on- is growing! New page, new pretty blog- coming soon!! Stay tuned! 

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

The story of the BIG red slide-

Summer is here and upon us in Western, North Dakota. Which means baseball, sport camps, fishing, work, sleeping in- no schedule.

Truly, an amazing time filled with no planning and "going with the flow"

One of those going with the flow days was this past Friday my daughter and I were having some girl time.  The men at our home decided to do some evening last minute fishing. So us girls, we went on an adventure which included a bunch of sweet deals rummaging, a yummy latte, and lastly, spending  the evening at  the local Rec center, playing in the outdoor water park.

As we pulled up to the Rec, we quickly got acquainted to our first time in the new spot, and before you know it-we were climbing the steps (46, yes I counted) to slide down the ever famous water slides.

The first time we climbed to the  top, the daughter called that she got the "orange one" which left me with the famous red slide.

As I quickly agreed, my mind switched to analyzing why the red one would be my first ride. 

Did the slide know that red is one of my favorite colors? 

Or did it know I've been working on safety in my root chakra center, which is red?

 Before I came up with an answer to my mindful questions the lifeguard stated it was my turn and I was in the water on my bottom headed down the slide.

You see I never even looked at the slides when we got to the water park. I had no idea (other than they took 46 steps to climb) what this red slide was all about.

And all of a sudden I heard a scream (was this really my voice?!) as I slid past the first corner.

Then I saw it.

The red slide finished with a big (better word, huge) drop down to the little pool puddle at the end.

And, me- the girl as a teenager that liked to go on every roller coaster at six flags in Il- well she's gone. Shes changed. She likes her feet planted on the ground, (and if she feels like flying its in her dreams in an angelic sense)

So, as my eyes finally seen the drop, I did the first gut feeling I thought I should do- I held on.

I grabbed the side of the slide so tight, trying to win the war with the water current not to move my body down the slide. I held on for my life.

 Like a mother holds onto her growing child. Like a victim holds onto a past, like a nurse holds onto severe dementia patients hand-I held on.

Looking back I felt like I held on for lifetimes. But, observers state I only did not move for a couple seconds.

And when the water pressure got to be too much, when my mind switched from complete terror- to an oh f*** it. 

I let go.

I landed on the bottom in the pond (I talked about earlier) with a good wedgie , a sore shoulder, and a bruise on my elbow.

And, I layed there in the puddle with  my mind filled PTSD of the big red slide, lesson.

I thought.

That big red scary slide- well that's life.

Either way it promises you a ride with ups and downs. Bruises and band aids. 

The water pressure, is the force. Some call it energy. It's here, to move you. It doesn't care how long it takes, there is no charge on what kind of pressure you use or not use to heal, but truly in the end it might give you a wedgie, but the ultimate goal of the pressure, 

well it's love.

 And me, the person on that slide, the nurse, the mother, the victim, well I chose to believe I am here to feel all the emotions I felt during the waterslide ride (terror, aloneness, scared, peaceful-at the end of course!) and put a bandaid on, possibly get a massage, and then chose to ride the red slide of life again.

Then, finally- dont forget to live, and be able to write and talk about it.  phew.

So, here I go.

Till next time friends, kids are hollaring at me to join them on the slides- time for round 2!

Happy Summer!!

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Fyi- objects in pictures are way bigger (Promise, way huger) than they appear.

101 things.

Hi friends,

Its been a little while. I have been doing some quiet work on self stuff here at home.  One of the biggest things I have been working on is, not running away from my fears, but to own them.  I will be honest, the last couple weeks I have thought of bringing myself anywhere but here, in  North Dakota. The thoughts- becoming Florence Nightingale in Nepal, helping save lives as a nurse or possibly climbing Glacier National Park, and doing my own kind of quiet journey by myself- (sort of Cheryl Strayed  like in the movie and book- The Wild.)
 But, after a little while processing I have realized, we can find peace wherever we are, because it comes from the inside, and running- well that sounds like a fun adventure and all, but it avoids the inevitable, looking in, digging deep, feeding my own soul.

I've spent the time reading  a couple books, some real good naps, a few walks, and talks with soul family- and lastly, I have looked at my papers, my education from previous classes and trainings.

The one that caught my eye was the Energy Psychology training that I got to spend a week at last year in Phoenix, AZ.  Of the all day seminars I took was from Jack Canfield (author and life coach) on "The Success Principles".  Wow, what a day that was. This guy knocked my socks off, and I left there feeling very inspired.  Promising to "do the work" on having the life I wanted.

Well, whoopsie a year has gone by.

But one thing that called to me today, was a part of our homework that day, good ol  Jack gave us was writing a list..

So, here it goes.

101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Laugh everyday-at least once
2. Visit Alaska PLEASE.
3. Write a book (wow, did I seriously put that?)
4. Sleep under the stars lots.
5. Live in a log cabin by water
6. Drive a John Deer tractor (yeehaw)
7. Ride a horse
8. Parasailing
9. Run a biggest loser race (no more than 10k thankyou very much)
10. Speak to kids in schools on empowerment/bullying (be a child advocator!!)
11. Dance in the rain
12. Try hot Yoga
13. Take love and logic training classes
14. become a life coach
15. Visit Africa (yes for a long time too please)
16. List 3 things I am grateful for daily.
17. Motor home family trip
18. Meet Oprah ( PLEASE!)
19. Paint when it calls. have my own easel
20. SPEAK, on the raw, honest, stuff.
21. visit INDIA with my daughter
22. go on a CRUISE with my hubby (with no sea sickness)
23. READ more books.(love stories and spiritual please)
24. Be a conscious eater.(enjoy the cinnamon roll and the carrots with no shame)
25. Kareoke please
26. Camp lots.
27. Have an organic garden
28. Have a white fluffy bunny rabbit
28. Get an extreme makeover on myself
29. Dress up to go to a prom, limo and all- but go?
30. Hug lots.
31. Hold babies (all kinds), animals, kids, all kinds!!
32. PARIS please
33. Finland- with my big sis.
34. mission work- orphanages, schools-
35. Montana adventure with Brett.
36. Germany with Lars.
37. Visit beaches everywhere
38. Scavenger hunts (plan and do, I love these things!!)
39. Color Run.
40. Mud Run. (muddier the better, please)
41. Rummage sale as much as possible
42. Become an inspirational teacher.
43. Own my body.
44. Ride an elephant
45. Swim with the Dolphins/ Whales (first learn to swim)
46. Meet Brene Brown
47. Visit NYC with friends/family
48. Garth Brooks Concert
49. play with kids, LOTS.
50. walk across the Mackinaw Bridge
51. see SRI and Kira again
52. Have an online empowering kids program
53. Learn how to swim. (see above)
54. Do a back walk over without seeing stars or falling over (gymnastics)
55. Have body work done weekly (massages, myofascia)
56. Wear a bikini
57. have an unlimited supply of essential oils
58. LOVE everyone around me.
59. Start a foundation for abused/traumatized kids.
60. visit homeless people.
61. visit mentally ill/spiritually awakened people.
62. Take a relaxing vacation by myself
63. Be on TV.
64. Have an expensive amazing bed with lots of pillows and expensive sheets/comforter
65. Try a vegan diet.
66. Get some new teeth.
67. watch my kids grow.
68. Have a sweet non shedding house dog.
69. Have an assistant (that pays bills, does chores, remembers appointments- (pretty much is my brain)
70. be OPEN, HONEST, and RAW everywhere I go.
71. add more family to my spirit family.
72. BE conscious. SEE and feel all that is, everyday.
73. Have my own website.
74. Heal my body Holistically
75. bubble baths weekly. (YES!)
76. Visit all 50 states
77. Travel out of country as much as possible
78. Be able to afford a latte every am.
79. Quit being a caregiver, start being a teacher.. YEEHAW!
80. Play games with kids.
81. Watch sunrises and sunsets every where I can.
82. Become a speaker at Energy Psychology Conference
83. Take a trip with Stacy Henrion (home girl)
84. Feed the homeless
85. Give love to all in need (first to myself)
86. Sit next to trees, weekly.
87. Have a lavender bush
88. Enjoy real flowers.
89. ROSE oil- White Angelica oil on stock, always.
90. Hike lots.
91. Be a conscious mom.
92. Grow my hair long
93. New Mexico please
94. Watch parades
95. Laugh loud Lots.
96. Meet a new person daily.
97. Write and publish quotes.
98. Florence Nightingale- go to a spot in need. and work.
99. Have a huge master bath, with a ginormous tub.
100. Shit my pants yearly (my dear soul friend says, its fertilizer for your life!)
101. Pray daily.

So, dear friends- I challenge you, what are your 101s?

"If you can dream it, you can do it"- Walt Disney

"Ask and it will be given to you"- Mathew 7.7


Till next time friends, go knock your sox off and write your list!:)

xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Jack and I last year at The Energy Psychology training.

Lets, WIN, WIN, WIN.

This morning, driving the childrens to school on this bright, beautiful, North Dakota, May, day- I was listening to them fight in the back seat.  It went something like this, one, made the other feel bad because she didn't want to do something, and the other (that was feeling bad) called him a name. Typical beautiful teenage drama.  As, the sun was shining in my eyes and I cruised down the main street here in Dickinson- I found myself getting heated up. (and not by the beautiful ray in the sky)

See, I took this amazing love and logic course for parents x2.  Yes, you read, right- I took the same course twice, back to back.  It was a 6 week one night a week course on how to have more fun as a parent, by empowering yourself and showing your child empathy.  Big stuff.  To any of my blog reader parents, please if this calls to you- find a class, it really has changed my life.  I am actually planning on taking the teaching course of this class (I am that passionate about it). Anyways, back to the car.

Love and logic would tell me to have empathy, for both kids.  Saying something like, "I know, I have been teased, and hate being treated unkindly"-for the one who had been called the name. And, "I understand, I don't like when someone makes us do something, when its uncomfortable"-for the one who didn't want to do something.. Then I would finish it off by, "kids that fight on the way to school, get to walk".  And, possibly pulling over- and watching them get out of the car, (happily I am sure).

But, instead..I spoke. And, as I write this now, I realize how big it was.

"Don't let anyone take your power away from you, ever." "Walk away, speak up, do what's right just for you, make no apologies, be yourself, heck, punch them if there
crossing boundaries", but DONT let anyone take your power away from you, ever".
"And, name teasing, and making someone feel bad for not feeling comfortable by not doing something, well that's...FAKE POWER.

And, I think I finished it off with, saying how I believed in them both and hope they had a good day. As the school came into view, and the teenagers got out and doors slammed shut, I was left thinking about our morning drive in, as I drove back home, to enjoy my first cup of my favorite coffee.

Thoughts  went like this, "Hmm, probably should keep practicing what your preaching, Michelle".

The truth is, 9 months ago, my hubby and I made a powerful decision to move our family away from there friends and families to try a life out here in North Dakota.

As, we left that August day- my big sister ( I love you Lisa Ann) gave me an audio CD to listen to as I drove and followed the orange and white U-Haul.  It was called, THE POWER, by Rhonda Britton.  I listened to it, most of the drive.   And, looking back, it was like the song that's playing as your warm up before your basketball game in high school.  It filled me with joy, determination, and motivation- perfect start to make a better life for me and my family out west.

Last week, I finished the POWER OF VULNERABLITY course by Brene Brown.  Best 30 bucks, I could've spent on myself.  Hours of listening to research done by an open hearted individual on the hard (but good) stuff, shame, guilt, love, whole heartedness, and of course. vulnerability.

Yes, friends- I have spent months, (lets be honest) years learning how to live my life, for me- in my power.

And still today, I was left on the drive home from school my brain filled, with the words I always tell my kids, "anyone can speak it, but show it."

Show me your power. Show me what works for you. Show me your life for you, show me your joy, peace, content happiness.

I can write, I have always done a good job, (English was my favorite subject) but- the hardest lesson I have needed to learn is SHOWING UP,  for  the life I have always wanted.

Some believe we should be content with food, clothing, and shelter.  I say we should be grateful for all those things. But,  I believe, we should live the life we want, with no excuses, showing up. Doing, what works for you- believing in what works for you.

Last week I got to go spend an hour and a half with a great group of kids, as a speaker about Mindfulness.  I SHOWED UP, nervous, scared, excited. And, when I jumped in Arnie (our car) and pulled out onto the highway leaving the peaceful place, I felt like I could move mountains.  Better yet, first female president of the big beautiful United States, or climb Mt. Everest without stopping.  I was full.

And, when I vulnerably spoke in my power about my life, magic happened. Because, those kids, well they healed something in me.  They asked me questions, that I needed to ask myself.  They, themselves were able to be, honest.  And, well I left there knowing (you know the move mountain part) that it was a WIN, WIN, WIN situation. I won, they won, and the whole better whole, WON.

This afternoon, when I pick my kids up from school, and there may be fighting, I might holler. Tomorrow I might not want to get out of bed.  Next week at rush hour, I might freak out when I am stuck in a traffic jam on Main street here in Dickinson.

But today, today, this moment, is all we have.  And, dear readers, dear friends-lets practice power, in the moment. For us, for our kids, and for the better whole.

Lets, WIN, WIN, WIN.

Till next time friends, move on over Hillary Clinton!

xxoo


Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Me, and some of my favorite littler people.....SHOWING up.

Hearing the water.

I stopped to hear the water.

Let me explain.

Growing up our family was campers. We had numerous camping spots and campers (my favorite camper being the lime green pop up Apache). Almost every weekend in the summer we would find some state park and set up our spot. One of those places was Mclains State Park. Mclains is nestled right on Lake Superior, up in the Keweenaw Peninsula of Michigan.

My favorite things to do at Mclains as a little tike (I would guess 8-10 years of age) would be, to take my bike down to the deserted part of the beach, and sing.  As a kid, I remember feeling like I was singing to God. And, after my voice got tired from singing, I would whisper questions, worries, problems, to God.

I always biked back to the campground, feeling like I had my own big secret (with all the answers) as the little legs would pedal and the arms steered me in to our site,I would feel, peaceful contentment-knowing the lake took care of everything.

A week ago, my family pulled into my hometown up in the Keweenaw Peninsula- with an agenda. Family wedding, appointments, errands, run kids to friends houses, rehearsals- not forgetting to add on a spontaneous flat tire in front of the bridal shoppe, busy. And, this mind, this body, this soul-just doesn't do busy anymore. So as we ran our errands and the phone was ringing, I tried staying present, enjoying every minute. And, in a perfect way- the time went busily by.

One of the mornings there I woke up knowing where I need to go. After a quick coffee with a friend, I turned the music up and headed down the swirly beautiful canal road. And, as I pulled into Mclains Park, I felt myself relax as my body melted into my car seat.

As I shut off the car and slid down the sand dune, I found a beautiful log, and I sat. Hello, my dear Lake Superior. Ahh.

The socks came off and my feet dug into the moist sand. And, again, I sat. No phone jingling, no family or friend talking, no car sound, no loud teenage music playing, just me in this moment listening to the water, of the healing Lake Superior.

And, I was back...stopping to hear the magic, the sounds, the questions, and then the answers of the water.

Dear friends, no matter how busy life shall be, may we all find moments to stop and just be. May we all find quiet in our chatter to hear lives story.  May we all find a moment to stop and smell a spring flower, the wind, or the mist off the beautiful lake. May we all have a touch of complete contentment. May we all know our worth, and pick what works for us.

And, (this is what I'm working on) may we all be our own best friends, and FEEL unconditionally loved- from the inside out.

Till next time friends- here's the water.

 

XXOO- Michelle, the water girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Ready, set, hold on- and then let go.

To Jer,
" I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you.so close that your hand on my chest is my hand so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"- Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda.
I love all of you, Shell

17 years ago, I found him- and I called him my angel.

At that time not even knowing that angels even existed, I just knew- he made me feel safe.

I had been in and out of relationships (looking for some kind of a man to show me my specialness)

And he came along, gentle and quiet...asking me if I needed help checking my oil (as I was struggling opening the hood to my car in a down town hang out teenage space)

He was safe.  With his arms wrapped around me I felt like I was being hugged by a giant sturdy teddy bear.

15 months later, it was our wedding day- a beautiful September day, with the sun shining and the wind blowing the perfect gentle breeze.  Five minutes before I walked up the aisle, I took my dearest bridesmaid into the bathroom- and franticly told her. I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him.  I blamed it on some excuse that there were too  many people.
But, the truth was- I was scared to death.  I was scared to surrender to a man that I knew was safe, because all my life I was used to going my life alone.  Looking for some unconditional love on the outside and never finding it- made a big pattern in me of no one is strong enough to love truly me.

Well, that dear bridesmaid, told me the best God given words at that moment as the song was playing Day by Day, a beautiful hymn in the background.  She quietly stated, "you have to, he loves you."

And, so I did.

We went on to have 3 beautiful kids.  Fun, silly, moments of memorable vacations, togetherness.  A few perfect little homes all in a small rural community in Michigan. 

And, hard times.  Family issues in extended families, death of loved ones, health issues with both of us, unemployment,  and the list back then could go on..,,,

I always said, during those times, he was my rock.  He was the one who always brought life back to the moment. His favorite saying (that would piss me right off) was "it is, what it is, Shell"

As, I would spend hours, days, (lets be honest years)...sorting out, my darkness of my past, he would just be there waiting, patiently- like an oldie but goodie sturdy, comfy, lazyboy chair-awaiting the arrival of the hard worker after a long day of work.

Then, recently its been my anxiety of my future.  I knew what I didn't want in my life, but how could I get what I want?  I knew that I might want to make big life changes.  I knew that I wanted to learn how to "fly", and like the feeling on my wedding day- I thought I had to fly alone.

So the past few months I have taken a trip to Montana, climbed a big badland- and found a  sturdy rock, that reminded me of him, my husband- Jer.

Then I went to Guatemala, and found more of me.  More of the peaceful, joyful, content self that I have been missing for oh so long.

And, when I came home, he was waiting just like the teddy bear, the chair, the rock-the Jer.

I became more visible, I shared with him all my  fears, dreams, past, future.  And, then my mind went crazy busy.  I thought every thought, I went over every possible outcome, and every past event.  The hamster on the wheel in my head, didn't stop.  It was on overdrive.  I grew truly fearful, I was so scared to be rejected and judged by him. I did not know if he could love this darkest shadow part of me.

Because, the truth was- I realized I didn't know if I could love this part of me either.

And, then he showed me.  He showed me (by just being there and loving me raw and honest) he was tough enough, and gentle enough-to love all of me.

Days later after an amazing energy clearing session with a friend (I love you Nat) and opening up the book that's been calling my name for oh so long (The Power of Now-Echardt Tole)

I surrendered, to unconditional love in the Now.

And, I found me at this moment, and truly him- my earth angel.

Day by Day, moment by moment, it is what it is. LOVE.

Ready, set, hold on, and then let go- LOVE.



Till next time,

xxoo readers, friends...may you feel loved from the inside out!

Michelle (the girl who is learning to run with dresses on)

                                          Ready, set, hold on- and then let go
                                      Photo taken by: Leanna Michelle Massie





 

Me, raw, gritty, and honest.

I now see the importance of being raw, gritty, and honest.

You see, I was the one all my life that made sure I looked good from the outside.  Other than some extra pounds hanging out in the belly area to I would always look like I had it all together.  My girlfriends would laugh, because even my undergarments used to have to color coordinate, when I dressed.  My ponytail had to be the same color of my outfit, and my hair had to be just so (which usually included a bottle of hairspray and some matching bobby pins).  I would spend hours looking in the mirror, getting ready for the outing with friends, church, school, or even a cruise through town with friends.

Well, the truth is, it wasn't until this week in Guatemala (where I went for a spiritual retreat) that as I looked into my eyes, that I saw....me. 

Let me explain, I had this roommate that was a great teacher.  Her name was Cindy, and we were both there in Antigua, looking to help find ourselves. And, one night while I was doing my "homework" she questioned me, to spend time in the mirror looking into my eyes.  I thought, she was goofy.  I knew I had baby blue eyes, that sometimes were dark and sometimes had a  shine to them. 

But, when the time came I reluctantly looked, and this my friends, is what I saw.


Me, raw with myself, gritty and honest.

Me, realizing I am more than my body, more than my matching outfit- I am  a soul here, and my physical is just my safety and my covering.

Me, who is an obnoxious silly child at times.  A few weeks my hubby, boys and I went to shoot rifles in the grasslands, and I screeched, and laughed, and a little peed my pants with the joy, the power, I felt shooting that 22. ( FYI- stay tuned to see if it ends up on Americas funniest home videos)

Me the lover, who loves to love and nourish all.  Black, white, blue, small, dying, I love all people, actually all things!  From the pesky prairie dog in the grasslands, to the beautiful Mexican baby-my heart is full of golden light for all living, here on this earthly earth. 

Me with a shield, or a sword- depending on the day. Not a real one, just a weapon that comes out and covers my heart, when someone gets to close. I have a hard time, letting people truly love me.  (ask my husband).  The warrior in me, thinks I need to go through life alone, with my armor on.  And, the people who love me and see me naked the most, are the ones who my head spends hours trying to pretend that I don't deserve them.  I  now own this.  I am just learning to leave my swords, shields, and guns at home-stored away, and my heart open.

Me, who gets what she want.  Some might call this spoiled or self righteous.  I call this powerful.  From the bargaining at the rummage sale, to the best parking spot at our apartment building, I ask- and I receive.  I also get the extra pounds when I don't nourish my body, and the slow cashier at the local grocery store, when I don't have patience.  The secret is, we are all powerful- and we all get what we want.

So, its time- to show my eyes, my soul.  Its time, to throw the matching underwear aside, and  possibly even go, commando.  Its time, to take all the love I can give to all things, and make sure I am filling myself up first.  Its time for me to know my body is safe, and to own every last beautiful stretchmark.  Its time for me to be the joyful kid more, its time to sing and own the song "I'm so happy".  Its time for me to let the ones unconditionally love me, love me-with no weapons attached.  Its time for me to have peace with me, to own my truth, and all my decisions.

Most important its time for me to love me first, all of me. But, most important the shiny blue soul eyes staring back at me in the mirror. For, this is truly who I am.


Till next time friends, I love all of you.  And. look, love and own the beautiful soul that shines back at you in the mirror!



xxoo
Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Me loving up a little sweetheart baby in Guatemala...

Owning all of me..

 I'm working on owning, loving- all of me.

All of me is the one year old, lover of her moms arms, bright blue eyes, sweet inner child baby me.

All of me is 3 year old, round belly, baby of the family, me. Scrubbing floors, and dusting end tables, helper me.

All of me, is shy speech impaired, nervous to be alone, scared of the dark, and even more scared of school, 6 year old me.

All of me, is people pleasing, lover of gymnastics, and running in gym class 9 year old, talking to God near the water and cryin when the scale hit 90 lbs me.

All of me, is 13 year old, saying goodbye to the purple glasses and welcoming contacts, Fixin the buck teeth-and  turning into a woman, up and down teeter totter emotions me.

All of me, is obnoxious, singing off tune with no radio to the wind, with my gutless cutless car feelin free- 16 year old me.

All of me, is feeling alone, not wanting to be alone, scared of my future, just wanting to fit in-17 year old, using a can of hairspray a day, me.

All of me is wife, and mother of 3 little ones, and flight or fight never stop running, trying to pretend to be the perfect mom, early 20's me.

All of me is sick, not able to hear what my body is saying- kidney infections, gallbladder removal, total hysterectomy, don't want to feel mid 20s, and despising my body, me.

All of me, is nursing student, chosing plan b at life- warrior, no sleep, pushing myself, lucky pencils, and test anxiety late 20s me

All of me, is turning 30-and saying goodbye to all that wasn't for me- terrified to leave all that never was. Grief, reconciling my past, and trying to see a light, and attempting to embrace my feminine stretch mark filled body, me.

All of me, is early 30's collapsing patterns, and starting to trust my voice, speaking and needing honest, yoga pants wearer, practicing surrender, daily me.

All of me, today, singing making supper for teenagers, saying hi to strangers at Walmart, mind wandering,  working daily on saying goodbye to fear, shadow side embracing, learning to use only my voice, dreaming big, princess life, new beginnings, me.

Those years, those moments, this soul, this life, is for...all of me.

Till next time friends, love, own, and honor-all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

My bright blue eyed, inner child-one year old, me.

The Winner is:

Maddie Huhta

Congratulations! The next time I'm in the Yoop or your in North Dakota, we will hook up! 

Thanks for all the love and support sent, with bridging the gap- I felt it!

I leave you with a new favorite quote and a new favorite spot. Got to spend the weekend with a new buddy in Colorado Springs. It, was Magnificant! Here's to many new adventures to all of you!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Bridging the Gap.

Alright friends, I'm doing it- I'm bridging the gap! Let me explain..

I love to write with my heart open on my blog, and it warms me up to hear from all of you, your thoughts, comments, love! And, one of my favorite things in all the world is to meet new people!

Also, I miss Healing Touch energy work. The nurse in me loves, and believes in this kind of healing! My favorite part of healing touch was mind clearing. This is a technique that helps balance the meridians in your head, face, neck, and promotes relaxation and relieving stress. 

(I truly think- mind clearing gets me to quiet the brain so I can write!)

Anyways, so here's the bridging the gap part! 

Whoever comments here on my blog, or likes and shares my facebook page-(Helping Hand)

Will receive a 30 minute free mind clearing session! 

-if the winner lives in a different state as I, then we will do it, when the times right! (I also love to travel) 

-offer never expires!

-will pick winner on Valentine's Day, and publish it on this blog and my helping hand page!

Thanks friends in advance! Wishing u all lots of love this Valentines Day!

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on

I CHOOSE~

I choose to believe that there is, heaven here on this earth.

I choose  to believe that my words that are written, are words of love.

I choose to believe that my heart has enough expansion, for me, and every creature life puts in my way.

I choose to believe that my body is my canvas. To paint it, with the most gentle, delicate colors.

I choose to believe in owning my story. I believe my greatest trauma, is also my biggest blessing.

I choose to believe that my fear is the darkness, that blocks my enlightened way. My light is ready to shine.

I choose to believe that I deserve, to have an abundance of blissful moments here on earth.

I choose to believe, that survival is a choice, and I chose to thrive.

I choose to believe that I am enough. I am all that I need.

I choose to believe that my dreams can come true, no matter how

minuit or vast.

I choose to believe in boundaries, by trusting my heart.

I choose to believe in angels, bringing light to my path.

I choose  to believe in a grateful heart. Giving thanks, for all lives treasures.

I choose to believe in forgiveness. Forgiving all parts of my dense shadow, to let go-and stand, lighter.

I choose to believe that I can live life consciously, orientated to the present time.

I choose to believe in peace, peace that is found first in myself, and then in the now, in the simple moments.

I choose to believe in love, vulnerable, unconditional, love.

I choose to believe, I am a soft, powerful, feminine-that can happily run with dresses on.

I choose to believe, these choices is how I create, my own heaven here on earth.

My chubby water filled monkey cheeks.

I had a tooth ache the last couple days. Actually more like a MOUTH ache.  Gums, teeth, mouth, the whole sha bang.

 And, I was miserable.  I spent 60 bucks at the local health food store buying thieves mouthwash, clove oil, natural toothpaste.  After I gave up on the  all natural method, I was sucking on Tylenol like they were candy, and washing them down liquid Benadryl on the gums.  I also, did the whole sip water, leave it in your mouth (to make your cheeks look like a monkey) until you gotta swallow to breathe.  (with this I took about 60 trips to the bathroom) Being a healing touch student, I did a little healing touch on my mouth, I tried yoga moves, hand stands, focal point concentration, cleansing breaths, and when all those failed....

I had a feet kickin, mouth crying,  good ol 33 year old temper tantrum.

And, when it was all said and done, I layed in bed, fetal position, lookin like a chubby monkey, with the water filling my cheeks, using the TV with a little Doctor Phil as my focal point. I lay there half watching the powerful balding shrink, and thinking- what was my mouth trying to tell me?

You see, when the mouth ache started, I called upon a dear soul friend for some assistance. (You know the whole phone a friend, who wants to be  a millonare, method?!) Well I picked, the  one who is a dental hygienist along with a intuitive kinesthesiologist. And, I asked her all the questions- what could be wrong with my mouth?  After she asked if I had been grinding my teeth, or if I have been outside with a big temperature change.  After I decided neither of these pertained, I asked, what does it mean, metaphorically when your mouth feels like its filled with acute arthritis?  She answered, whats irritating you, that's close to you, and you don't want to talk about it?

BINGO.

As the show-went to a commercial, it hit me.

How can  I let go, of things that irritate me, when all I want to do is love?  I don't want to fight, darn it- I like peace. And, I cant even talk- my mouth needs to have water in it at all times, otherwise I risk another temper tantrum.

So, I started writing, letters.  Letters, to ones that I felt called to. And, the words flowed.  I wrote, and let go, and then burnt the letter. Then I would write another one, and follow the steps. And another. Honestly, I cant even remember what the letters said, I just know that I felt like I was taking care of much needed (but not known about) business.  And, at the end of each note, always wishing me and themselves well, by sending love, and don't forget- peace.

When it was all said and done, I layed there on my big comfy bed and felt, lighter.  And, I relaxed enough to finally drift of  to sleep.  When I awoke an  hour later, and jumped quickly into the bathroom to urinate (chubby monkey water cheeks remember) I realized, my mouth barely hurt. A couple hours later, I finally could say my mouth pain was pretty much gone!

I know, this sounds crazy.  I am a registered nurse, spending years reading Anatomy books.

But, let me explain.

I'm a firm believer that your beautiful God given body, is your messenger. Listen, to it.  Are you getting a cold?  U need to slow down and rest. Your back hurts? Are you feeling supported?  These are questions I ask myself everytime, I have an ailment.

Don't get me wrong, tomorrow I am going to the much needed dentist.  These pearly whites are in need of a good ol cleaning.  And, I do believe that there is a time and place for all the medical community.  But, for me- I feel, its important to look at what your body is telling you to heal.

And, it was another reminder to me, that your body is for you, not against you.

So tonight, tonight, I sit and write this, and thank my body. For the sign.  For the healing. For showing me, another way to heal my God given physical structure.

Till next time friends, love, honor, and listen to your body! And, try to stay away from those darn temper tantrums.

Xxoo, Michelle

The girl who is learning to run with dresses on 

Blissfully Blessed.

Sunday fun day was a scheduled family day, here for us.

It's been awhile since we had one of these days- so we made a point to dedicate Sunday just for us, 5 Massies.

First, we shut off the alarm clocks and slept in.

Then we lazily sipped on coffee and worked as a team building  this big ol egg scramble thing.

And as we sat down to eat, the teenage boys got into a little tiff. Today, I can't even remember what it was about, but needless to say- it was bit loud, and a little ugly.  (Living in an apartment on the 3rd floor in North Dakota, definitely has been interesting living arrangements for the hubs, 3 teen kids, and I.)

 After a long walk for the one teen, and a little family meeting, our family day was a little delayed, but adventure was awaiting.

Before we left the dad in this house, told the kids that trip day, was going to be without electronic gadgets, homework, and books. Just us 5, the vehicle, and the road we were about to travel. 

Oh boy.

So, we jumped into Arnie (our vehicles name) and off we headed to the local gas station and daily perks coffee shop for some drinks along the way. 

Thirty minutes west down the interstate is Medora. A touristee town in the badlands. Also, in this town is the Theodore Roosevelt National Park, known for its beautiful views and wild animals- partically Buffalo.

And, that my friends was our adventure for the day.

So, we cruised along the desserted park, counting the mule deer, and laughing at the prarie dogs. After a couple hours, a few wild horses, and one lonely bison, the sun was starting to set there on the badlands. 

And, I had a moment.

I sat back and watched the hubs and our dolly (Leanna,11) take pictures with her new camera, and the boys pretending to shoot the prarie dogs (yes my boys are pro hunting carnivore eating men). 

I sat back, and smiled as big as the sunset sky that was filled with every kind of color. (You know the kind of smile where your mouth hurts from shining?!) At that moment, my heart sang, one of those sweet soft songs that now plays on the local radio. Joy filled me up. I felt it from the bottom of my toes, to the top of my crown. 

I am truly blessed.

Blessed, grateful to have these God  given moments.  Blessed to have an arnie, that can take us on these adventures. Blessed, to have the delicious soy latte taste on my palate. Blessed to have this earthly family, to teach me how and what unconditional love is. Blessed, even for North Dakota to have the pesky prarie dogs to snicker about. Blessed for the sun going down, and the moon coming up. Blessed to have this life on earth.

I've felt this blessed, blissful feeling before. And  darnit I'm working on consciously creating and enjoying more- it feels amazing!

But to be honest, in the past, when I feel this joy-I usually am waiting for the next ball to drop.  I've always prepared myself for the fear ridden what ifs, or the it's too good to be true.  I would spend the time, creating in my mind what could go wrong in the future.  

I mean, how could I just be this lucky?

And, well, I don't know what happened, but it finally hit me that day that all we have is today, and it was our family day.  And, instead of fearing the future, it was time.  Time for me to be grateful for what is, now at this moment.

And, well our family is loud.  We argue on Sunday mornings, we might need to take walks to have space, and cool off. But, we are imperfectly, perfect. I know there will be  many more morning squabbles, and whole hearted adventure days- either way,

Yes, I am blissfully blessed!

Till next time friends, wishing you beautiful imperfectly perfect adventure days!

Xxoo Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

        The one and only lonely bison

 

Climb every Mountain.

I climbed a mountain this weekend.

Okay, honestly, I climbed a big fossil holding badland, in Montana at the Makoshika State Park.

 Let me explain.

I knew I needed to go west this past weekend, and I knew I needed it to be alone. So, Saturday morning I grabbed a latte from the local expresso drive thru, and headed west. I had thrown an overnight bag in the back of Arnie (new name for the new car) and wah la, me and the wind were sailing side by side on the interstate.

There was no planning. Friday, I brought the idea up to my family. Saturday, I knew Montana was calling-just didn't know where. I truly felt like it was time to get in touch with the big sky.

You see, it had been a week. I could make excuses of the waning moon, or the weather, or the fact that I was feeling so very alone...with life, with where I was in life, where I dream to be, with being understood, with, k, get the point? I'll stop there.

So, latte in hand, thoughts in my head, I drove.

A few miles down the road, a bird flew up in front of arnies windshield.  It looked like a dalmation dog, but a bird. White, with dark black spots. I laughed to myself about how alike that bird and I are, mostly white and pure-but with some dark sides. Dark places, black holy spots, shadows, fears- anyways, getting off track here,
but overall it gave me courage to see that the bird was still able to fly.

Soon, I had hit the Montana state limit.  It seemed like minutes later I saw the beautiful big badlands, and a sign for a state park- and  felt called, so I decided to pull off the exit.

Glendive Montana is a quant town. It got a whole bunch of bars, a new subway sign, and a bunch of cowboys walking the streets. Typical out west fashion. As I drove, I  followed the signs to the state park in the town.  I pulled in, and it took my breath away, looking at the beautiful bad lands. I hurried out, and headed into the tourist information center, and asked the first ranger who I saw, what were his requests for a good view.

He said up. And, so I went.

Two miles up ahead the road was closed (due to the winter season). and you needed to hike.  My overnight bag consisted of a pair of tennis shoes and a fleece jacket, but thankfully the weather was on my side. Sunny, 40 degrees, perfect. I parked Arnie, and out I started. I can humbly say, I have never really hiked. There were no ski poles or hiking boots. But, there was me, determined to get to the top.

So, I started the hike up.  And, after a few steps, I felt like I was one with the road.  I concentrated on my labor breathing, and my eyes opened up to the beauty all around me. The sound of birds in the distance, the smell of crisp beautiful open air. Ahh, did it feel good, to be alive, and outside. 

A little ways up the road, I came to this beautiful big slate color rock.  As I took my first break, I let go. I cried, not just for me there, I cried for all of  life that have ever felt  broken. And, the rock, well it just hung out there and took it all away. And, as the tears stopped and I was ready to move on, I decided to take a picture.  Forty shots later, I still was getting my shadow (thankyou sun) with the rock. You see, just as I am not a hiker, I am also not a photographer. At the 39th shot, I realized my shadow was supposed to be there, because like the bird flying up in the windshield, that rock-held my dark side.

I got to the top in about an hour. And, it was gorgeous. A few times I had to plunge through snow up to my knees, and a time or two fear came in, reminding me how alone I was in this big park.

But the view from the top, was so worth the wet socks! I felt alive!

Soon, I found a big tree, and gently let my back be supported by it. Once a dear friend told me, if you need to feel grounded, lean against a tree (works every time, FYI)
There I sat, and watched life, go by. Birds, come and go, making there beautiful chirping noises. The badlands, so strong, supportive, and each so different, making me feel so protected. The cactus blowing in the breeze. 

And I thought,

if someone would've told me when I was 33, I would be sitting against a tree, tears in my eyes, overlooking some badlands in some state park by myself in Montana, I would've laughed, out loud. 

But, you see. I soon realized that was why I needed to jump in the car and drive with the wind to Montana in the first place.

I got caught up in the future. I got stuck, fearful-wondering where my life was leading me. I knew my hopes and dreams, I just didn't know how to get there. And, I was stuck, this week, sometimes this month, heck lets be honest, years, thinking in my head how my life was going to turn out.

What path was I taking?

Wait, why does it matter?

And, I realized again, we have this moment, today, this very breath.

Well, that day I decided, I am taking the path that brings me back down the road.

How did I let myself get  to the point of not enjoying the moment? Yes, its liberating to dream big, but to be fearful, of the future, why?  This is my dark side, this is my shadow. And, well its time to embrace all of me. But, dog gon it, the shadow can go hang our with the rock now, or fly with the bird- (see I'm even giving it choices.)

Truly, shadow aside,  its about the now. Surendering to the moment. And, at that moment, I was surrendering to walking down a slippery, wintery, road with tennis shoes, and wet socks.

As I finished the climb, opened the door to arnie and jumped in, I realized.  I am safe wherever I am, I can bring Joy to whatever is in this very moment, and  its time to climb every mountain in life, with or without your dark side. And know matter how long the hike takes its worth it...because the view at the top, is gorgeous.

Till next time friends, keep climbin.


xoxo
Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

The road traveled with my voice..

In third grade I had a favorite person in my little rural school, Mr. Lundin- who was my speech pathologist.

And, while the rest of the class would study spelling words- I would spend 30 minutes behind closed doors with the attentive, big dark mustache- speech man.

I would read sentences and play games concentrating on how I said my r's and s's. Railroad, was wailwoad. Santa, was zanta. After many sessions, and when I set my mind to it- ( I would consciously have tothink about how to speak), railroad was pronounced with the most beautiful R sound out there. And, when the half hour was over I would walk back to class with a beautiful new pencil, eraser, or some precious gadget.

You see, I love to speak. I love to talk. And, from an early age I remember talking so darn fast, (I could have gotten a job as an auctioneer as a little tike).

Fast forward- speech therapy, learning how to slow down and sound out words.

And, then in high school came speech class- my most terrifying, but favorite.

I would practice those speeches staring at myself in the mirror, I would have the note cards written out in the most perfect writing, and then, my name was called to stand up in front of the class and speak. My voice would shake, my hands would tremble, my mind would forget the notecards and the memorized speech, and my heart would take my voice over. If it was a speech on Ben Franklin, or how to make puppy chow- somehow through the nerves, from the heart, the words would come easy.

I don't remember when I quit talking. Anyone that knows me is laughing right now thinking I never stopped! :) 

Your right, I just quit talking bout the big stuff, or I wouldn't talk at all.

You see, the truth is I love peace. And, at times it's been my biggest challenge to speak, knowing I would offend, hurt, worry or scare someone. 

So, I would keep quiet or spend my energy talking about other people, (and fyi- I would call it concern). This person has a sick baby,  this friend seems depressed, this relatives  cousins neighbor is sick with some big illness. That's what I spoke. I would simply forget, to give those troubles to God.

Now looking back, I had it all wrong. 

This blog, is what's putting me on the right track. For, these are my stories, my words, my truth- written with my heart open from the one and only, me.

This being said, I realize some of my words, some of my writing- isn't for everyone, and that's ok. Some, might not understand, my journey-and that's truly perfect too.

You see writing my truth, well it empowers me just as I'm standing in speech class, speaking. And, that is why this blog thing is for me, right now.

So friends, speak your truth in whatever way you can. And, if, the words come out a little too fast- and if railroad ends up wailwoad, well just love you, and the road your on.

Till next time,

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on...

*picture shows me and my dolls (daughter) on our road trip last weekend.

Enjoy the road traveled!

Let my voice shake and the light shine in.

At first, let me say. I write this with tears in my eyes and my heart open asking, praying for more light to shine in.  For strength, loving words, and guidance with continuing this journey of feeding my own soul. And, for all my readers out there, who are learning how to feed there's. Let's all love, and support each other. With a grateful heart for all of you, I share my truth.

My name is Michelle, and I have been abused.

Some of my first memories as a young girl are being touched inappropriately by an elderly man. I remember being "scared stiff". I recall him thinking it was funny, the smirk on his face. I remember being confused, thinking, wondering if anyone knew. I remember feeling dirty. Writing this now, I can still smell his aftershave. The loudness of his booming voice, and me...well praying  that all this would just go away. I was young, small, I didn't  know my strength.

Fast forward to this week.  I went to visit another elderly man, in the family tree- and got ridiculed and called fat, with comments about my "chubby belly". I stood there; not able to move-wearing what I thought was my new slimming black coat. And, the same emotions took over,  I was a little girl covered with shame, sadness and anger. I stood there frozen. I wanted to stick up both my middle fingers and turn away, and run out of the door.

But, I didn't. I stood there with a fake smile, and took it in. 

You see, I was raised to respect both of these men. I was told that they were my elders, and I should love them. I was told to shake there hands, mentioning Gods Peace.

And, all my life..I've done just that.

I have compassion.  I can make all the excuses for them, how one was mentally ill, or the other was upset with there own self image, there own "chubby belly". 

Then to flip the coin, and feel, compassion for me. And, the truth is- it's so hard to have. I  know I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to move on. But, I understand, that these moments, will forever be a part of me, and my story.

I sit here and think- what's the good that can take from this, what is the learning? 

And this is what I came up with.

I can talk to a shrink, take some antidepressants, I can aromatherapy up some essential oils. I can get cranial sacral body work, I can read self help books, meditate, yoga- you name It, but until I, stand up for me, until I use my own voice, until I refuse to be around anyone that isn't for my highest good, well I'm still Michelle, abused.

Because, truth is- I let this happen. Michelle as the young girl, and Michelle as the adult.

 I know it's time to look in the mirror, and forgive myself for not using my voice, for keeping these protective layers on my body, and it's something I promise to keep working on, daily. 

But, why- do I keep putting myself in these situations? Obligation, wishful thinking of some kind of corrupted love, or it's the "right" thing to do?

Well, today, I say. I am done, with all those things.

A wise doctor once told me, ..Michelle, take everyone out of your life that isn't 100 percent for you. 

Thankyou Doc, the best prescription you could give this empathic, sensitive, soul. It's time, to truly fill the script.

 

It's time to unconditionally love me, to do daily what is for my highest good.

 It's time for the Michelle that is a soft feminine lady, that just loves, to show. For, she will no longer need an armour on, because she choses love, not abuse.

And, that soft feminine lady- well she always has her middle fingers, if need be.

So, for now, I'm learning- to use my voice. To love me, stick up for me, to embrace all parts of me that have served me-including  my "chubby belly". 

And, to speak love. First for me. I truly believe your body hears everything, and it's time for my body and my soul to know that I believe, and I'm trying daily to  love, honour, and embrace, and be its biggest fan.

Yes,  friends, now it's time to feed my own soul, by using my voice.

My voice, well it's shaky, but I'm here, I'm ready, I'm open, and it's time...let the light shine in..

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on..