Ready, set, hold on- and then let go.

To Jer,
" I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you.so close that your hand on my chest is my hand so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"- Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda.
I love all of you, Shell

17 years ago, I found him- and I called him my angel.

At that time not even knowing that angels even existed, I just knew- he made me feel safe.

I had been in and out of relationships (looking for some kind of a man to show me my specialness)

And he came along, gentle and quiet...asking me if I needed help checking my oil (as I was struggling opening the hood to my car in a down town hang out teenage space)

He was safe.  With his arms wrapped around me I felt like I was being hugged by a giant sturdy teddy bear.

15 months later, it was our wedding day- a beautiful September day, with the sun shining and the wind blowing the perfect gentle breeze.  Five minutes before I walked up the aisle, I took my dearest bridesmaid into the bathroom- and franticly told her. I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him.  I blamed it on some excuse that there were too  many people.
But, the truth was- I was scared to death.  I was scared to surrender to a man that I knew was safe, because all my life I was used to going my life alone.  Looking for some unconditional love on the outside and never finding it- made a big pattern in me of no one is strong enough to love truly me.

Well, that dear bridesmaid, told me the best God given words at that moment as the song was playing Day by Day, a beautiful hymn in the background.  She quietly stated, "you have to, he loves you."

And, so I did.

We went on to have 3 beautiful kids.  Fun, silly, moments of memorable vacations, togetherness.  A few perfect little homes all in a small rural community in Michigan. 

And, hard times.  Family issues in extended families, death of loved ones, health issues with both of us, unemployment,  and the list back then could go on..,,,

I always said, during those times, he was my rock.  He was the one who always brought life back to the moment. His favorite saying (that would piss me right off) was "it is, what it is, Shell"

As, I would spend hours, days, (lets be honest years)...sorting out, my darkness of my past, he would just be there waiting, patiently- like an oldie but goodie sturdy, comfy, lazyboy chair-awaiting the arrival of the hard worker after a long day of work.

Then, recently its been my anxiety of my future.  I knew what I didn't want in my life, but how could I get what I want?  I knew that I might want to make big life changes.  I knew that I wanted to learn how to "fly", and like the feeling on my wedding day- I thought I had to fly alone.

So the past few months I have taken a trip to Montana, climbed a big badland- and found a  sturdy rock, that reminded me of him, my husband- Jer.

Then I went to Guatemala, and found more of me.  More of the peaceful, joyful, content self that I have been missing for oh so long.

And, when I came home, he was waiting just like the teddy bear, the chair, the rock-the Jer.

I became more visible, I shared with him all my  fears, dreams, past, future.  And, then my mind went crazy busy.  I thought every thought, I went over every possible outcome, and every past event.  The hamster on the wheel in my head, didn't stop.  It was on overdrive.  I grew truly fearful, I was so scared to be rejected and judged by him. I did not know if he could love this darkest shadow part of me.

Because, the truth was- I realized I didn't know if I could love this part of me either.

And, then he showed me.  He showed me (by just being there and loving me raw and honest) he was tough enough, and gentle enough-to love all of me.

Days later after an amazing energy clearing session with a friend (I love you Nat) and opening up the book that's been calling my name for oh so long (The Power of Now-Echardt Tole)

I surrendered, to unconditional love in the Now.

And, I found me at this moment, and truly him- my earth angel.

Day by Day, moment by moment, it is what it is. LOVE.

Ready, set, hold on, and then let go- LOVE.



Till next time,

xxoo readers, friends...may you feel loved from the inside out!

Michelle (the girl who is learning to run with dresses on)

                                          Ready, set, hold on- and then let go
                                      Photo taken by: Leanna Michelle Massie