Hearing the water.

I stopped to hear the water.

Let me explain.

Growing up our family was campers. We had numerous camping spots and campers (my favorite camper being the lime green pop up Apache). Almost every weekend in the summer we would find some state park and set up our spot. One of those places was Mclains State Park. Mclains is nestled right on Lake Superior, up in the Keweenaw Peninsula of Michigan.

My favorite things to do at Mclains as a little tike (I would guess 8-10 years of age) would be, to take my bike down to the deserted part of the beach, and sing.  As a kid, I remember feeling like I was singing to God. And, after my voice got tired from singing, I would whisper questions, worries, problems, to God.

I always biked back to the campground, feeling like I had my own big secret (with all the answers) as the little legs would pedal and the arms steered me in to our site,I would feel, peaceful contentment-knowing the lake took care of everything.

A week ago, my family pulled into my hometown up in the Keweenaw Peninsula- with an agenda. Family wedding, appointments, errands, run kids to friends houses, rehearsals- not forgetting to add on a spontaneous flat tire in front of the bridal shoppe, busy. And, this mind, this body, this soul-just doesn't do busy anymore. So as we ran our errands and the phone was ringing, I tried staying present, enjoying every minute. And, in a perfect way- the time went busily by.

One of the mornings there I woke up knowing where I need to go. After a quick coffee with a friend, I turned the music up and headed down the swirly beautiful canal road. And, as I pulled into Mclains Park, I felt myself relax as my body melted into my car seat.

As I shut off the car and slid down the sand dune, I found a beautiful log, and I sat. Hello, my dear Lake Superior. Ahh.

The socks came off and my feet dug into the moist sand. And, again, I sat. No phone jingling, no family or friend talking, no car sound, no loud teenage music playing, just me in this moment listening to the water, of the healing Lake Superior.

And, I was back...stopping to hear the magic, the sounds, the questions, and then the answers of the water.

Dear friends, no matter how busy life shall be, may we all find moments to stop and just be. May we all find quiet in our chatter to hear lives story.  May we all find a moment to stop and smell a spring flower, the wind, or the mist off the beautiful lake. May we all have a touch of complete contentment. May we all know our worth, and pick what works for us.

And, (this is what I'm working on) may we all be our own best friends, and FEEL unconditionally loved- from the inside out.

Till next time friends- here's the water.

 

XXOO- Michelle, the water girl who is learning to run with dresses on.

Ready, set, hold on- and then let go.

To Jer,
" I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you.so close that your hand on my chest is my hand so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"- Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda.
I love all of you, Shell

17 years ago, I found him- and I called him my angel.

At that time not even knowing that angels even existed, I just knew- he made me feel safe.

I had been in and out of relationships (looking for some kind of a man to show me my specialness)

And he came along, gentle and quiet...asking me if I needed help checking my oil (as I was struggling opening the hood to my car in a down town hang out teenage space)

He was safe.  With his arms wrapped around me I felt like I was being hugged by a giant sturdy teddy bear.

15 months later, it was our wedding day- a beautiful September day, with the sun shining and the wind blowing the perfect gentle breeze.  Five minutes before I walked up the aisle, I took my dearest bridesmaid into the bathroom- and franticly told her. I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him.  I blamed it on some excuse that there were too  many people.
But, the truth was- I was scared to death.  I was scared to surrender to a man that I knew was safe, because all my life I was used to going my life alone.  Looking for some unconditional love on the outside and never finding it- made a big pattern in me of no one is strong enough to love truly me.

Well, that dear bridesmaid, told me the best God given words at that moment as the song was playing Day by Day, a beautiful hymn in the background.  She quietly stated, "you have to, he loves you."

And, so I did.

We went on to have 3 beautiful kids.  Fun, silly, moments of memorable vacations, togetherness.  A few perfect little homes all in a small rural community in Michigan. 

And, hard times.  Family issues in extended families, death of loved ones, health issues with both of us, unemployment,  and the list back then could go on..,,,

I always said, during those times, he was my rock.  He was the one who always brought life back to the moment. His favorite saying (that would piss me right off) was "it is, what it is, Shell"

As, I would spend hours, days, (lets be honest years)...sorting out, my darkness of my past, he would just be there waiting, patiently- like an oldie but goodie sturdy, comfy, lazyboy chair-awaiting the arrival of the hard worker after a long day of work.

Then, recently its been my anxiety of my future.  I knew what I didn't want in my life, but how could I get what I want?  I knew that I might want to make big life changes.  I knew that I wanted to learn how to "fly", and like the feeling on my wedding day- I thought I had to fly alone.

So the past few months I have taken a trip to Montana, climbed a big badland- and found a  sturdy rock, that reminded me of him, my husband- Jer.

Then I went to Guatemala, and found more of me.  More of the peaceful, joyful, content self that I have been missing for oh so long.

And, when I came home, he was waiting just like the teddy bear, the chair, the rock-the Jer.

I became more visible, I shared with him all my  fears, dreams, past, future.  And, then my mind went crazy busy.  I thought every thought, I went over every possible outcome, and every past event.  The hamster on the wheel in my head, didn't stop.  It was on overdrive.  I grew truly fearful, I was so scared to be rejected and judged by him. I did not know if he could love this darkest shadow part of me.

Because, the truth was- I realized I didn't know if I could love this part of me either.

And, then he showed me.  He showed me (by just being there and loving me raw and honest) he was tough enough, and gentle enough-to love all of me.

Days later after an amazing energy clearing session with a friend (I love you Nat) and opening up the book that's been calling my name for oh so long (The Power of Now-Echardt Tole)

I surrendered, to unconditional love in the Now.

And, I found me at this moment, and truly him- my earth angel.

Day by Day, moment by moment, it is what it is. LOVE.

Ready, set, hold on, and then let go- LOVE.



Till next time,

xxoo readers, friends...may you feel loved from the inside out!

Michelle (the girl who is learning to run with dresses on)

                                          Ready, set, hold on- and then let go
                                      Photo taken by: Leanna Michelle Massie