Let my voice shake and the light shine in.

At first, let me say. I write this with tears in my eyes and my heart open asking, praying for more light to shine in.  For strength, loving words, and guidance with continuing this journey of feeding my own soul. And, for all my readers out there, who are learning how to feed there's. Let's all love, and support each other. With a grateful heart for all of you, I share my truth.

My name is Michelle, and I have been abused.

Some of my first memories as a young girl are being touched inappropriately by an elderly man. I remember being "scared stiff". I recall him thinking it was funny, the smirk on his face. I remember being confused, thinking, wondering if anyone knew. I remember feeling dirty. Writing this now, I can still smell his aftershave. The loudness of his booming voice, and me...well praying  that all this would just go away. I was young, small, I didn't  know my strength.

Fast forward to this week.  I went to visit another elderly man, in the family tree- and got ridiculed and called fat, with comments about my "chubby belly". I stood there; not able to move-wearing what I thought was my new slimming black coat. And, the same emotions took over,  I was a little girl covered with shame, sadness and anger. I stood there frozen. I wanted to stick up both my middle fingers and turn away, and run out of the door.

But, I didn't. I stood there with a fake smile, and took it in. 

You see, I was raised to respect both of these men. I was told that they were my elders, and I should love them. I was told to shake there hands, mentioning Gods Peace.

And, all my life..I've done just that.

I have compassion.  I can make all the excuses for them, how one was mentally ill, or the other was upset with there own self image, there own "chubby belly". 

Then to flip the coin, and feel, compassion for me. And, the truth is- it's so hard to have. I  know I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to move on. But, I understand, that these moments, will forever be a part of me, and my story.

I sit here and think- what's the good that can take from this, what is the learning? 

And this is what I came up with.

I can talk to a shrink, take some antidepressants, I can aromatherapy up some essential oils. I can get cranial sacral body work, I can read self help books, meditate, yoga- you name It, but until I, stand up for me, until I use my own voice, until I refuse to be around anyone that isn't for my highest good, well I'm still Michelle, abused.

Because, truth is- I let this happen. Michelle as the young girl, and Michelle as the adult.

 I know it's time to look in the mirror, and forgive myself for not using my voice, for keeping these protective layers on my body, and it's something I promise to keep working on, daily. 

But, why- do I keep putting myself in these situations? Obligation, wishful thinking of some kind of corrupted love, or it's the "right" thing to do?

Well, today, I say. I am done, with all those things.

A wise doctor once told me, ..Michelle, take everyone out of your life that isn't 100 percent for you. 

Thankyou Doc, the best prescription you could give this empathic, sensitive, soul. It's time, to truly fill the script.

 

It's time to unconditionally love me, to do daily what is for my highest good.

 It's time for the Michelle that is a soft feminine lady, that just loves, to show. For, she will no longer need an armour on, because she choses love, not abuse.

And, that soft feminine lady- well she always has her middle fingers, if need be.

So, for now, I'm learning- to use my voice. To love me, stick up for me, to embrace all parts of me that have served me-including  my "chubby belly". 

And, to speak love. First for me. I truly believe your body hears everything, and it's time for my body and my soul to know that I believe, and I'm trying daily to  love, honour, and embrace, and be its biggest fan.

Yes,  friends, now it's time to feed my own soul, by using my voice.

My voice, well it's shaky, but I'm here, I'm ready, I'm open, and it's time...let the light shine in..

Xxoo

Michelle, the girl who is learning to run with dresses on..