When I was in nursing school they had resource day. Different businesses would come in from around the community to let us know all the job possibilities we would have in our nursing career.
Resource day happened at the end of my last year of nursing school. So, as speakers would come up and give there speel, I did what every full time student mom of 3 did. I studied for the upcoming Pathophysiology final.
But, when the last speaker started talking, I felt intrigued to listen. She was a SANE nurse for the local police department. The nurse explained all the responsibilities of a sexual assault nurse examiner, from the rape kit to the counseling. It hit my heart and leaving there I new it might be my calling.
Fast forward life, I graduated, and got a nursing job at a local hospital.
A couple years later In the spring I learned from a friend that the hosptial was looking for SANE nurses, and were looking for people intersted in taking the training. I was extremely interested, and put my name in.
That summer I was in a bad place.
I was filled with fear. I couldn't do daily tasks of shopping at Wallmart, work became hard, and I ended up having to take a leave of absence at work- diagnosis anxiety. (This time in my life will have to be another blog post)
I sought help, doctors, shrinks, holistic healers, friends and close family helped share the load, and slowly I got stronger.
I was just returning back to work when I found out the SANE training was coming up. My boss at work encouraged me not to go, thinking I needed more time. I wasn't worried I told her, I had a few nurse friends that were planning on taking the training with me, and I thought that a week away in another state would do me good.
Then the word came that the government was on shutdown, so we possibly wouldn't be getting paid to go.
I remember discussing with my husband all the issues coming up with SANE training, as my phone rang- the call that changed me.
It was my dear cousin on the other line. She lives in Alaska, and they were due to have there second adopted baby, so I was anxiously awaiting "the new baby news" on the other end of the phone.
Until she told me, that she needed to ask me a question, and I should sit down. I sat and then she stated "I was wondering if u wanted to adopt a baby that's due next winter."
You see this cousin, she knows me. She knew how badly I wanted a big family and how crushed I was when I only had 3. She knows how much I truly love kids.
She then went on to tell me the story. The birth mom was her friend and made a tough decision to give her unborn baby girl that was due on Valentines day up for adoption.
Honestly, my first reaction to her was "oh shit, please don't do this to me right now". You see I felt that I just started using my own two feet to walk forward, and anxiety was not even out of the back door. She gave me the moms number, and to this day I am forever grateful for that call.
I talked to the birthmom. She was so strong and sweet. I was honest with her and asked her for some more time, to decide. She agreed.
My family, we talked, we prayed, we went and asked my dear mother-in-laws grave for an answer. We looked for baby girl names. We visited the fear ridden Wallmart and stared lovingly at the pink fluffy onsies.
But, truthfully as excited as we where at the possibility I couldn't get the "oh shit" feeling out of my mind as my initial thought about adding a baby to our family.
A few days later, the government found money (:)) , my boss agreed for me
to go to the SANE training, and she also decided I was the only staff allowed to go, and....before u know it I was on the way out the door to another state for a week long training, alone.
I remember driving on the way there and calling my husband for support. I remember asking him, what if we are supposed to be parents, I don't want to work on call all night long as a SANE nurse with a newborn?! And, as I think about it today, I can still hear his words. "Shell, the stars all aligned for u to
go, go it's meant". So, I kept driving.
The next morning I woke up in a quiet motel room. I spent extra time spraying the hair and picking out the tummy tucker black pants, to help the jitters that were forming.
I arrived at the tech college where the training was at, early. I quietly sat down and observed everyone talking, laughing- having the comfort of each other.
As class started and we were introducing ourselves I saw a women walk in. You know that feeling that u get when u look at someone and know they have a beautiful heart? Well that was the vibe from the stranger walking in. As she sat down and caught me looking at her, she smiled. I was right.
After 4 grueling hours of draining SANE training, we got an hour lunch break. I ended up sitting at the same table as the sweet strange lady, her name was Susan.
After class was over for the day I made my way back to the motel and ordered Chinese delivery. As I layed on my motel bed in my jammies eating stir fry, my mind drifted to the adoption.
I called Jer (hubby) and again we tried rapping our head around what we were going to do. Before I hung up with him, we decided to pray for a sign from God.
I fell asleep asking, praying, pleading, for anything that could tell us what's meant.
The next day at lunch I sat with Susan and a couple ladies that lived near the Mississippi River. That day we talked about our families, and when it was my turn to talk about my favorite people, the unborn baby adoption story came
flooding out.
And then I watched. I saw Susan with tears in her eyes telling me, "I'm so happy for you"!
At that point in time I was thinking, you don't even know me, wow, I don't even know what i want! And as the rest of the ladies started telling there family story, I drifted off in my own thoughts, until Susan shared.
Susan told her story of meeting her husband, and being married for a number of years. When asked how many kids she had, she gently said "none". And, vulnerably said they suffered from infertility issues.
And then it hit me.
I left class that night and called my husband telling him, I think I found our sign. I called the birth mom, and cried and told her the news, and then I fell asleep, exhausted.
The next day in class Susan was sitting behind me. And, like we did in junior high I took a yellow sticky note and wrote to her, asking if she wanted to go for lunch by ourselves, and passed it back.
At lunch I began by telling her the adoption story, the anxiety, and the asking God for a sign, and finding her. I then asked her if she wanted to be a mom, and I can still hear her screams now, "yes, yes,yes"!
The rest of SANE training passed in a blur. I heard from Susan that her and the birth mom talked lots, and were starting to feel like family. I also got to listen to the adoption process, and give pointers on what kind crib and bottle to get.
Leaving and saying goodbye to Susan was hard. She truly became my soul friend in a week.
I remember driving home letting go of
what could've been. I know I could've loved that sweet little bundle of a baby from Alaska, but I also knew that Susan could love her more.
Beautiful baby Briella was born a few months later, with both her moms welcoming her to this life.
As for me, I have gained a soul friend and an auntie status to a beautfiul blessing. Today I no longer even work as a SANE nurse. I know what I learned in that training is greater than any text book or PowerPoint can teach,
I learned to love and let go.
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