The beautiful big me.

I have been big my whole life.

  I came into this world, 10 pounds something and I have only gone up from there.  I had many mantras.  Big girl equals big heart.  Or how about the fat jokes?  I was the Larry the cable girl of them.  At one point in time as I was criticizing my body unconsciously I thought I could write a book on "you know your fat when..."

Along with caring extra weight, I carried insecurities.  I spent years being the class clown in any setting I was in.  The punch line- was me.  You see, I wanted to compensate for my growing body by making people laugh.  I truly didn't find myself worthy of having friends in my life, so I always unconsciously put on a show to keep them in my life, my audience, and sadly I never charged a price-it was at my bodies expense.

I remember a few family or friends would tell me at times, "don't talk about yourself that way", my answer was always, "what?! its the truth, and funny".  I was numb, I had no idea my body heard and felt every sad fat comment, or big girl joke it heard.

And then, I got pregnant x3! I loved being pregnant.  You know the excuse, "now I can eat for two?"  Having verification that it was okay that a belly covered my midline, well, it helped.  But, along with the pregnancies  when your overweight came challenges.  I was gestational diabetic for all 3 babies. I will spare you the details for now, but this ultimately was the deciding factor on choosing to be sterile at  a real young age. (with still a dream of having a house full of little ones)

Back when my last baby, turned a year old I was on the phone with a friend and decided, enough is enough, and the next day walked in with that phone friend and we both joined Weight Watchers. I remember  to this day, stepping on the scale, feeling nervous dread and seeing the numbers written in black ink, 259 lbs.

The first week of weight watchers, I was in shock of the amount of weight I weighed, and I just wanted it off.  So, I drank water, exercised like a crazy lady, and ate-very little.  Seven days after the initial weigh in, I was back up on that scale with a 9.6 lb lost. I was ecstatic! I felt like I was finally on my way.

A few friends of mine joined there right with me.   I had huge support from them.  We would meet for our weekly coffees, and go for walks before.  I would get a high five every time I would order a side salad with awful fat free ranch dressing. I remember the first time sitting there with my buddies and being able to cross my legs under the table, for the first time,  we all giggled with excitement!


And, with the support was the weight watcher meetings.  Our beautiful, inspirational, weight watchers leader named Janet, she was a gift .  We would spend an hour every week, laughing, crying, sharing our weight loss journey as a group.  There were women and men of all sizes.  One mans favorite quote was, "If u want to lose weight, if it tastes good, spit it out".  And, the ladies that wouldn't lose, or would lose and then gain it all back- there stories would hit me. 

Why, or why would u go through the trouble of dieting, to gain it all back?  I thought they were crazy and vowed to never turn into one of them.

And, the weight started coming off.

 I remember the first time stepping on the scale- and seeing a gain.  I gained 2.2 lbs one week, and was mortified.  I walked out of weight watchers not even staying for the meeting,  I was done.  I was not paying money to gain weight.  After a few days of eating donuts and ice cream,  a dear friend (thanks Judy) not giving up on me and my weight loss journey- I got back in track.

When I hit 60 lbs lost, and hit the 190s, my friends threw a surprise party for me!  A cookbook of weight watcher meals, a pee coat jacket (size medium) I felt like life was truly perfect.

At 85 lbs gone, I was at 175.  The doctors target weight for me was 160-165 lbs, I was almost there.  At this same time, I hit the I've been in weight watchers for one year mark.  I was still counting points, exercising daily by running stairs at the local gym, or walking with two toddlers in a double jogger, and one little preschooler on a bike- half the time pushing him, with one hand and steering the stroller with the other, I was doing this!

Looking back now, I don't  exactly what made me crash.  I just know I did.  You see I am a competitor.  I will let my feet bleed before I quit a race.  I will have a heart attack before I quit hustling in backdoor boot hockey, and I will get a hernia pushing out pushups to try to beat my kids on the number.

And, that's how I lost weight.  So, my supportive friends- they didn't know it, but they were my competition.  I was in a crazy flight and fight stage, never looking, never feeling any of those pounds that came off. 

So, when my friends and I were having a hard time making our schedules work for weigh inns, when inspirational Janet weight watchers leader retired, when my friend got to her goal weight and I was still 10 of the hardest pounds I couldn't lose from mine, I quit.

I could blame it on a lot of things.  My mother-in-law past away unexpectedly and I found comfort in full pans of lasagna.  My kids were getting bigger, and I still probably hadn't dealt with the whole sterilization thing, there were numerous family problems showing up at that time.  People were seeing me as the average size girl and that was coming my normal, so the whole comments, praises, were being said less.

But, the truth is, I lost that weight the wrong way.  I didn't do it for me, I did it for a race, for my kids, my family, my friends....but not for me, because I truly believe I still didn't want to feel what that weight held.

I was like those ladies in class that I silently criticized and, gained every single pound back within a few years, and then I played yo-yo with my weight for the next 5 years.

Today, I have an idea- but no number to what the scale would say.  The truth is, I haven't weighed myself in months, because I don't want to feel the shame that I have felt my whole life stepping on that magic number maker. 

Its still a work in progress. So today, its one day at a time.  One good meal choice at a time, one yoga workout, or walk at a time.

 And it  all about loving and feeling me - this beautiful big me.