Saying YES to YOGA

I have never been a back row in the class type of girl.

I cant even pretend it, I love to talk, yearn to listen, and feel super filled up, learning, doing, seeing!

 So, included in this new membership at the gym, is classes.  And, yoga has always called to me.  I will never forget a few years ago, I hired a personal trainer to help me with the weight loss battle that has been my life. One of her first questions as she was getting to know me was, "what are your goals for training?" I quietly stated, "I want to find my core."
She was a one of a kind trainer, I actually called her the Jillian Michaels of the U.P.  She pushed me like no other. On my 31st birthday, she treated me to 31 lunges, squats, pushups and situps for an hour straight.  That was so foreign to me, usually my birthday consisted of, what food I was going to spend the day enjoying, what cake or dessert I was going to have, and how many restaurants can I hit for a free meal?!
But, the hardest part of the few months of training was never the physical exercise, yes sometimes I had to go down my steps like a one year old, on my bottom, but the part that always stung the most, was the emotional...
She would make me look at myself in the mirror, as the sweat was coming out of every single pore,  and then she would ask the tough questions.  Along with being a trainer,  she was also an amazing shrink- and tears in the session were an almost everyday occurance.
One of those trainings with her was outside, of a very busy small town street. I was very visible there with the  tractor tire that I was trying to do jump squats on. I will never forget her screaming at me, "see all those people driving by, what do you think they are thinking?" And, I stated...."keep going fat girl", and she said words to me that still sting in my heart to this day....

"When are you going to quit being your own worst enemy Michelle?"

 I am still working on that enemy part, today.

I love life, I love people, I love sunsets, big mountains, lakes, rivers running, streams, bunnies, new little puppies, babies toes, but most days I am still working on the loving me, the whole body and soul me.

Fast forward to yesterday and the gym pass, and yoga calling.

Wednesday night I decided, I would go, and try yoga, still knowing, my core  is still in the finding stage. I set the alarm, and when it went off at 5:20, I told myself, "you got this Michelle". You see, I have only tried yoga a couple times with a little DVD, by myself in my own living room. 
So, I made a deal. I would quietly walk into class, and find a quiet back corner, try it, and leave. 
Come to find out, there were 3 people who showed up for sunrise yoga, and one of them was the instructor, there was no back row.

 It was perfect.

 I felt my body.  I quietly hushed all those voices in my head telling me I was clumsy, and not to look in the big wall of mirrors ahead of you, and I breathed.  I got lost in the moment with the movements and the 45 minutes flew by.  And, when it was over and we were quietly meditating on our mats with our blocks supporting our head and shoulders, tears came.  The instructor finished off the class by rubbing essential oils on my temples,  and I was deciding  there really could be heaven here on earth-she quietly whispered to me,

"You are so strong". 

And, I believed her.

 I was never meant to be the girl in the back row,  this visible front row life, is where its at.